Q: What did Robert Wagner say to Natalie Wood the night she died?
A: “OK honey, you can have a drink, but don’t go overboard!”

Q: What do the L.A. Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.

Q: What’s Billy Jean King’s latest advertising sponsor?
A: Strap on Tools of America

Q: What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook

Q: What’s old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
A: Fred Astair’s face

Q: What’s green, and smells like pork?
A: Kermit’s finger

Q: What do Billy Graham and the Houston Oilers have in common?
A: They both can fill up the Astrodome, and in fifteen minutes,
they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!!

Q: What was John Lennon’s last hit?
A: The pavement.

Q: What was Gary Hart’s biggest mistake???
A: Not having Ted Kennedy drive Donna Rice home!

Q: How did Capt. Hook die?
A: Jock itch!

Q: What is the definition of “Endless Love”?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!

Q: What’s the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?
A: Fonda spent more time in ‘Nam.

Q: What did Dan Quayle say when Marilyn Quayle blew in his ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, Honey!

Q: Why did George Bush win the election?
A: Because Barbara’s picture is on the $1 bill.

Q: Did you hear that Salmon Rushdie is publishing his next book?
A: Its called “Buddha, you fat fuck!”

Q: Why did Yoko Ono call the exterminator?
A: She found a dead Beatle on her door-step!

Q: What were the last words of Mr. Ed, the talking horse?
A: “A corpse is a corpse, of horse, of horse.”

Q: Why did Maria Schriver marry Arnold Schwartzeneggar?
A: They’re trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy.

Q: Do you know why Nancy Reagan is always on top?
A: Because Ronnie only knows how to screw up.

Q: You’ve heard of Alzheimer’s Disease but do you know what Waldheimer’s
disease is ?
A: You forget that you used to be a Nazi.

Q: What do Marilyn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington, DC) have
in common?
A: They both like to blow a little dope!

Q: Did you hear what Mickey Mouse got for his 60th birthday?
A: A Dan Quayle watch.

Q: What do Len Bias and Rock Hudson have in common?
A: They both got a hold of some bad crack.

Q: What’s yellow, ugly and sleeps alone?
A: Yoko Ono.

Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.

Q: What was John Lennon’s last hit?
A: The pavement.

Q: Why can’t you take a crap at a Beatles concert?
A: There’s no John anymore.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Prior?
A: One was burned by coke, the other by Pepsi.

Q: What’s fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes?
A: Fidel Castro.

Q: What’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
A: Bo Derrick getting older.

Q: What’s wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
A: Fred Astaire’s face.

Q: Did you hear Karen Carpenter’s brother’s new song?
A: “She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Sister.”

Q: Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis?
A: Because she swings both ways.

Q: What’s worse than grease on Olivia Newton-John?
A: “Come on Eileen.”

Q: Who is Billy Jean King’s latest sponsor?
A: “Snap-On Tools of America.”

Q: Did you hear that Princess Grace was on the radio?
A: …And on the dash board, the steering wheel, etc.

Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A: A good stroke.

Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him.

Q: What part of Popeye doesn’t rust?
A: The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

Q: What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A: Kermit’s undivided attention!

Q: Which is better, Dolly Pardon’s bra or Princess Di’s douchebag?
A: The latter: A royal flush always beats a pair.

Q: How come Dolly Pardon has such small feet?
A: Things don’t grow well in the shade.

Q: How can you spot Dolly Pardon’s children in a crowd?
A: They’re the ones with the stretch marks on their lips.

Q: How do you know when you’re being mooned by Ronald McDonald?
A: He’s the one with the sesame seed buns.

Q: What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the top of her coffin.

Q: What did Abraham Lincoln said the morning after his wildest party?
A: “I freed the what?”

Q: Did you see Roman Polanski’s new movie?
A: Close Encounters With The Third Grade.

Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A: “t’da dump, t’da dump, t’da dump dump dump.”

Q: What’s big, savage, and goes “shhhhhhhhhhhhh”.
A: Conan the Librarian.

Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.

Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: You drop him a line.

Q: Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn’t concentrate.

Q: If you are American in the kitchen – what are you in the bathroom ?
A: European.

Q: “Should I boil the new missionary?” asked the cannibal.
A: “No” replied the chief, “He’s a friar.”

Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.

Q: Why is the ringling brothers circus so mind boggling?
A: Because it’s in tents!

Q: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerus?
A: Elephino.

Q: Why couldn’t the bike make it up the hill?
A: Because it was “two” tired!

Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly?
A: Because baby ducks can’t walk, hardly.

Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.

Q: What happened to the butcher?
A: He backed into a meat cutter and got a little behind in his work.

Q: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they just had a 31 day March!

Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.

Q: What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?
A: Down Syndrome.

Q: What do you call an obsession with fabric softener?
A: Downey syndrome.

Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a pig?
A: Sausage lynx

Q: Where do cantaloups go for the summer?
A: John Cougar’s Mellencamp..

Q: What is “smore play”?
A: It’s what smurfs do before they smuck!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dicktater.

Q: Did you hear about the happy Roman?
A: He was gladiator.

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough

Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.

Q: Why did the rubber fly across the room?
A: It got pissed off.

Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!”

Q: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.

Q: What’s brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss shit.

Q: Why does an Indian wear feathers on his head?
A: To keep his wig-wam.

Q: How do you make a kleenex dance?
A: Blow a little boogie into it.

Q: Why don’t witches ever have babies?
A: ‘Cause warloks have hollow-weenies.

Q: Why can’t Gypsies have children?
A: Because all the men have crystal balls.

Q: Did you hear about the scientist who was experimenting with rats?
A: He switched to lawyers so he wouldn’t form an emotional attachment.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pincher.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a snake, dead on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: Why don’t lawyers ever get eaten by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy

Q: What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A: A rooster clucks defiance.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Who cares?

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!

Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident?
A: The punchlines were too long.

Q: What do the Pope and 7-UP have in common?
A: “Never had it, never will.”

Q: Why didn’t Jesus get into college?
A: He got hung up on his boards.

Q: What do you call a Nun with a sex change?
A: A “Transister”

Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have balls just for decoration.

Q: What kind of meat does the Pope eat on Fridays?
A: Nun.

Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Q: What’s heavenly, white, and falls from above?
A: Kingdom come.

Q: Why can’t you circumcise Libyans?
A: Because there’s no end to those pricks.

Q: What’s the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?
A: The nun has hope in her soul.

Q: What did Adam say to Eve on their first evening together?
A: “Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing gets!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with an IBM?
A: A computer system that never goes down.

Q: Why did God create men?
A: Cucumbers don’t take out the garbage.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE

Simply select at random 4 numbers between 1 – 16 and string the
corresponding word from each column.

EXAMPLE
If you are asked a question to which you do not know the answer think of four numbers and string the words together in a
sentence. A little practise will have you astounding your colleagues.

1 Zero Financing Feedback System
2 Positive Socio Economic Concept
3 Negative Political Demographic Analysis
4 Micro Integrated Forecasting Horizon
5 Macro Privatised Elastic Timescale
6 Tactical Sensitised Inhibiting Action
7 Optimum Strategic Planning Cycle
8 Facilitating Elastic Employment Negotiation
9 Corporate Segmented Disaster Overview
10 Regulatory Distinctive Shift Plan
11 Synergistic Transformational Competence Strategy
12 Optimistic Marketing Awareness Scenario
13 Pessimistic Situational Interactive Syndrome
14 Fascinating Infra Synchro Matrix
15 Marginal Costed Inter Loop
16 Multi Negative Highlight Audit

If you need a faster more random solution, the sweary.com business buzzword generator is the tool for you! Check it out here, and amaze everyone with your new grasp of business speak! Its funny as hell and fully endorsed by Donald Trump!*

*(not).

CHARMING – Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See “Cute,” “Enchanting,” and “Good Starter Home.”

MUCH POTENTIAL – Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See “Ready to
Rehab,” and “Fixer Upper.”

UNIQUE CITY HOME – Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY – Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN – Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED – Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED- Black walls and no windows. See “Architect’s Delight.”

ONE-OF-A-KIND – Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT – Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See “Makes Dramatic Statement.”

UPPER BRACKET – As if you have to ask . . .

YOU’LL LOVE IT – No, you won’t.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE – An absolutely accurate statement. A discourse on European history.

AMC (American Motor Co.):
All Makes of Cars.
Almost Makes Corners.

Amiga (computers):
A Merely Insignificant Games Addition.
Asinine Machine Invented for Gaming Adolescents.

APL:
All Programming Languages.

APPALLING:
Acronym Production, Partiularly At Lavish Levels, Is No Good.

Apple:
All Programmers Pursuing Legal Ends.

Ass:
Advanced Sensor System.

Audi:
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence.

BASIC:
Beginners And Sysops Instruction Code.

BNR (Bengal Nagpur Railway):
Bribes Never Refused.

Big Mac:
Business Is Gonna Mutilate Another Cow.

Bitch:
Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming and Horny.

BMW (Bavarian Motor Works):
Babbling Mechanical Wrench.
Bart, Muni, Walk (San Francisco transportation).
Basic Marin (county, Ca.) Wheels.
Beastly, Monstrous Wonder.
Beautiful Masterpiece on Wheels.
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder.
Big Money Waste.
Big Money, Why?.
Big Money Works.
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck.
Born Moderately Wealthy.
Bought My Wife.
Break My Window.
Broken Money Waster.
Broken Monstrous Wonder.
Brutal Money Waster.
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch.

BNR:
Built, Never Runs.

Boeing:
Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens.

BB&CI (Bombay Baroda & Central India Railway):
Beastly, Bad and Cannot Improve.

Buick:
Big Ugly Import Car Killer.
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer.
Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky.

CBM:
Crash-prone Buggy Machines.

CCBS:
Close Cover Before Striking.

Chevrolet:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

Chevy:
Charged HEaVilY.
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet.
Cruddy Hick Engine, Very Yucky.

Chrysler:
Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likable Engineering Research.

COBOL:
Compiles Only Because Of Luck.
Considered Obsolete By Other Languages.

COTERIE:
Clear Only to Those Earlier Reached, Initiated, and Educated.

CNN (Cable News Network):
Crosseyed News Network.

DEC (Digital Equipment Corp.):
Delayed Error Correction.

Dildo:
Deep Inter-Labial Device for Orgasm.

Dodge:
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy.
Dead On Delivery Guarantee Expired.
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter.
Department Of Defense’s Grossest Error.
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.

DOS (disc operating system):
Damned Obsolete System.

EPCOT (Experimental Prototype Community Of Tommorow):
Employee Paychecks Come On Thursday.
Every Person Comes Out Tired.
Experimental Polyester Costumes Of Tomorrow.
Extremely Profitable Corporation Of Today.

Fiat:
Failure In Automotive Technology.
Fixed It Again, Today.
Fix It ‘Alla Time.
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation.

Fila (shoes):
First In Ladies Attention.
Found In Lowlife’s Apparel.

Ford:
Fails On Rainy Days.
First On Race Day.
First On Rainy Days.
First On Recall Day.
First On Road to Dump.
First On Rust and Deterioration.
Fix Or Repair Daily.
Flip Over, Read Directions.
Found On Road Dead.
Found On Rubbish Dump.
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto’s.

GE (General Electric):
Grossly Expensive.

GIP (Great Indian Peninsular Railway):
Great Improvement Possible.

GM (General Motors):
General Maintenence.

GMC (General Motors Corp.):
Garage Man’s Companion.
Generally Mediocre Cars.
Gets More Chicks.
Got a Mechanic Coming.

GNU:
GNU’s Not Upgraded.

GTO:
Get Tires Often.

IBM: IBM, UBM, we all BM for IBM.
I Became Macintosh.
I Blame Microsoft.
I Bought Macintosh.
I Built Macintosh.
Icky Blue Machines.
Idiots Become Managers.
Idiots Buy Me.
Idolized By Morons.
I’ll Buy Macintosh.
Illustrative of Bad Marketing.
I’m Being Mobbedwithwhatdoesibmstandforanswers.
I’ve Being Moved.
I’m Bloody Mad.
Imitation Burrough’s Machine.
Immense Bins of Money.
Immense Bowel Movement.
Immense Bucket of Manure.
Imperialism By Marketing.
Impossible to Become Macintosh.
Impractical, But Marketable.
In a Befuddled Manner.
In Bleakest Mordor.
In Business for Money.
Incredible Bunch of Muffinheads.
Incredibly Barbaric Merchandise.
Incredibly Big Machines.
Incredibly Big Monopoly.
Industry’s Biggest Mistake.
Incredibly Boring Machine.
Incredibly Brilliant Marketing.
Inefficient But Marketable.
Inert Blue Monoliths.
Inferior But Marketable.
Infernal Bonehead Machines.
Installed By Masochists.
Installed By Mistake.
Integrated Bad Manners.
Intensely Boring Machines.
International Ballistic Missiles.
International Big Mouths.
International Brotherhood of Magicians.
International Business Machines. <–Highly unlikely this one!
International Business Manipulators.
Intrepid Bureaucratic Madness.
Italian Branch of the Mafia.
Italian Business Men.
It Beats Mattel.
It’ll Be Messy.
It’s Better Manually.
It’s Big Money.
It’s Black Magic.
It’s Blue Magic.
It’s Boring Me.
It’s Broken, Mommy.
It’s Busted, Man.
Itty Bitty Machines.
Itty Bitty Morons.
I’ve Been Misled.
I’ve Been Mugged.

IBM PC:
I’ve Blown My Power Circuits.

Icon:
I Can’t Operate Numbers.

IMHO (In My Humble Opinion):
Idiots Manage High Office.
Inane Marketing Hold-Over.
Individual Maintenance Health Organization.

Iowa:
Idiots Out Wandering Around.
I Owe the World an Apology.

IROC:
I’m Really Out of Cash.
Italian Retard Out Cruising.
I Race Other Cars.
I Run Over Children.
It’s Really Only a Camaro.

IRS:
Income Reduction Service.

Japan:
Jump And Pump All Night.

Jeep:
Just Eats Every Part.
Just Enough Essential Parts

Kaypro:
Keeping All Yuppies’ Personal Records Organized.

KGB:
Kick Gorby’s Butt.
Kiss Gorby’s Butt.

LISP:
Lots of Inane Silly Parentheses.

LTD:
Long Term Debt.
Lousy Transportation, Dammit.

Mac:
Mainly Active in Court.
Malformed Apple Computer.
Man Against Computer.
Miserable At Computing.
Mono-tasking All Computers.
Monstrously Aggravating Code.
More Apple Crap.
Must Avoid Color.
Mouse Activated Computer.
Multitasking Applications? Can’t!
Mundane And Costly
My Autistic Computer.

MSM (Madras & Southern Mahratta Railway):
Mail Slowly Moving.

Mazda:
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.

MBA:
Married But Available.
Money Buys Anything.

MG:
Might Go.
Money Guzzler.

MIG:
Missed It, Gadaffi.
Missed It, Goddammit.

Mopar:
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously.
Mostly Old Parts And Rust.
Most Often Passed At Races.
My Old Pig Ain’t Running.
My Only Problems Are Repairs.

MRE (Meals Ready to Eat):
Meals Ready to Explode.
Meals Rejected by Ethiopians.

MS-DOS (Micro Soft Disc Operating System):
Maybe Some Day an Operating System.

Mustang:
Massively Ugly Shitpile That’s Always No Good.

NCR (National Cash Register (Company)):
No Computer, Really!.

NFS (Network File Server):
No File Safe.
No File Saved.

Nissan:
Never I Shall Steal Another Nissan.

Olds:
One Leak, Dead Starter.

Oldsmobile:
Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything!
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.

OS (operating system):
Oh, Shit.

PC (personal computer):
Primitive Calculator.
Pseudo-Computer.

Pinto:
Performance Is Not The Object.
Put In New Transmission Often.
Put In Nickel To Operate.

Plymouth:
Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood.

Pontiac:
Poor Old Negro Thinks It’s A Cadillac.

Porsche:
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continual High Expense.

Probe:
Plainly Runs Only By Exception.

Procrastinate:
People Rarely Obtain Coveted Rewards After Scheduling Tasks Into
Never-Attainable Time Elements.

PTL (Praise the Lord):
Pacify The Loonies.
Padres Tickle Ladies.
Pagans Teaching Love.
Pardon The Lapse.
Pardon The Lies.
Pass The Lobster.
Pass The Loot.
Pay The Lady.
Pay The Lawyers.
Pay The Liar.
Pay The Lord.
Pennies Taken Liberally.
People To Loathe.
Plunder The Laymen.
Poverty To Luxury.
Prayers Too Late.
Preachers Televised Loudly.
Preachers Telling Lies.
Preachers, Thieves, Liars.
Preachers To Lechers.
Pretend To Love.
Price The Lord.
Prison Term Likely.
Promise Them Lies.
Pursue The Ladies.

RPG:
Russian Programming Group.

Saab:
Send Another Auto Back.
Slick As A Brick.
Swedish Auto Always Broken.
Swedish Autos Are Best.

SCUD:
Saddam Can’t Understand Diddley.
Saddam Clearly Understands D-day.
Saddam Completely Useless Defense.
Seldom Causes Unfortunate Deaths.
Shoddy, Clumsy, Unreliable Devices.
Should Cause Uproar in Damscus.
Should, Could, Usually Doesn’t.
Somewhat Clumsy Unguidable Device.
Sorry, Can’t Understand Directions.
Still Considered Under Development.
Stupid Crazy Ugly Dictator.
System Currently Under Development.

Spam:
Scientifically Produced Artificial Meat.
Sick People’s Alternate Meat.
Silly Putty And Mud.
Slimy Pressed Animal Matter.
Spiced Pink Anti Meat.

SPSF (Southern Pacific Santa Fe railroad):
Shouldn’t Paint So Fast.

ST (Atari ST computers):
Silly Toy.
Simple Technology.
Still Trying.
Stupid Terminal.
Superior Technology.

Subaru (read backwards):
U-R-A-BUS.

SUN: Some UNIX Nerds.
Single User network.

Toyota:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.

UCLA (Univ. of Calif. at Los Angeles):
University of Caucasians Lost among Asians.

UCI (Univ. of Calif. at Irvine):
Under Construction Indefinitely.
University of Chinese Immigrants.

UP (Union Pacific railroad):
Union (like onion) Pathetic.

USC (Univ. of Southern Calif.):
University of Spoiled Children.

VAX:
Virgin At Xerox.

VW:
Virtually Worthless.

Scoring – Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each question that you can answer correctly.

If you score is between: You are

0×000 and 0×010 -> Computer Illiterate
0×011 and 0×040 -> a User
0×041 and 0×080 -> an Operator
0×081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0×100 -> a Hacker
0×101 and 0×180 -> a Guru
0×181 and 0×200 -> a Wizard

Note: If you don’t understand the scoring, stop here.

And now for the questions…

0001 Have you ever used a computer?
0002 … for more than 4 hours continuously?
0003 … more than 8 hours?
0004 … more than 16 hours?
0005 … more than 32 hours?

0006 Have you ever patched paper tape?

0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming?
0008 … Missed an examination?
0009 … Missed a wedding?
0010 … Missed your own wedding?

0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated?
0012 … Did it make sense the next day?

0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator?

0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment?

0015 Ever change the value of 4?
0016 … Unintentionally?
0017 … In a language other than Fortran?

0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting?

0019 Have you named a computer?

0020 Do you complain when a “feature” you use gets fixed?

0021 Do you eat slime-molds?

0022 Do you know how many days old you are?

0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza?

0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke?
0025 … Did someone not ‘get’ it?

0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
0027 … Backwards?

0028 Have you seen “Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land”?

0029 Have you seen “Tron”?

0030 Have you seen “Wargames”?

0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
0032 … EBCDIC?

0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal?
0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes?

0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex?

0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa?

0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?

0038 Do you know maxint on your system?

0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision?

0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order?
0041 … up to 2**32?
0042 … up to 2**64?

0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
0044 … feeling the holes?

0045 Have you ever patched binary code?
0046 … While the program was running?

0047 Have you ever used program overlays?

0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president?
0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?

0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT?
0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT?

0052 Have you ever digitized a picture?

0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey?

0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop?

0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort?

0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?

0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
0058 … Did it answer?

0059 Can you whistle 300 baud?
0060 … 1200 baud?

0061 Can you whistle a telephone number?

0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash?
0063 Have you made a disk drive “walk”?

0064 Can you build a puffer train?
0065 … Do you know what it is?

0066 Can you play music on your line printer?
0067 … Your disk drive?
0068 … Your tape drive?

0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar?
0070 … Is it out-of-date?

0071 Do you have a line printer picture of…
0072 … the Mona Lisa?
0073 … the Enterprise?
0074 … Einstein?
0075 … Oliver?
0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture?

0077 Do you know what the following stand for?
0078 … DASD
0079 … Emacs
0080 … ITS
0081 … RSTS/E
0082 … SNA
0083 … Spool
0084 … TCP/IP

Have you ever used
0085 … TPU?
0086 … TECO?
0087 … Emacs?
0088 … ed?
0089 … vi?
0090 … Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0091 … SOS?
0092 … EDT?
0093 … Wordstar?

0094 Have you ever written a CLIST?

Have you ever programmed in
0095 … the X windowing system?
0096 … CICS?

0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?

0098 Have you ever shown a novice the “any” key?
0099 … Was it the power switch?

Have you ever attended
0100 … Usenix?
0101 … DECUS?
0102 … SHARE?
0103 … SIGGRAPH?
0104 … NetCon?

0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?

0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone?

0107 Have you ever seen voice mail?
0108 … Can you read it?

0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary?

0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test?
0111 … Did you fail?

0112 Ever drop a card deck?
0113 … Did you successfully put it back together?
0114 … Without looking?

0115 Have you ever used IPCS?

0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer?

0117 Does your computer come in ‘designer’ colors?

0118 Ever interrupted a UPS?

0119 Ever mask an NMI?

0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system?
0121 … Intentionally?
0122 … Do you still work there?

0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch?
0124 … Intentionally?

0125 Do you have any defunct documentation?
0126 … Do you still read it?

0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program?
0128 … Did you find bugs in it?

0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?

0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone?

0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high?

0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?

0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software?
0134 … Vice versa?

0135 Ever belong to a user/support group?

0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?

0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper?
0138 … Did you get away with it?

0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning?

0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language?

0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?

0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test?

0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch?
0144 … To bed?

0145 Ever patch a microcode bug?
0146 … around a microcode bug?

0147 Can you program a Turing machine?

0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head?

0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head?

0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star?

0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?

0152 Have you solved the halting problem?
0153 … Correctly?

0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti?

0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program?

0156 Ever swapped out the swapper?

0157 Can you read a state diagram?
0158 … Do you need one?

0159 Ever create an unkillable program?
0160 … Intentionally?

0161 Ever been asked for a cookie?

0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?

* Do you know…

0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue?
0164 … Rogomatic?

0165 Do you know Gray code?

0166 Do you know what HCF means?
0167 … Ever use it?
0168 … Intentionally?

0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
0170 … Ever make one?

0171 Do you know the end of the epoch?
0172 … Have you celebrated the end of an epoch?
0173 … Did you have to rewrite code?

0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE?

0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout?
0176 … Can you wire a connector without looking?

* Do you have…

0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars?
0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes?
0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker’s dictionary?
0180 … Did you contribute to it?

0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
0182 … Is it unused?

0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file?

0184 Do you have the Anarchist’s Cookbook?
0185 … Ever make anything from it?

0186 Do you own a modem?
0187 … a terminal?
0188 … a toy computer?
0189 … a personal computer?
0190 … a minicomputer?
0191 … a mainframe?
0192 … a supercomputer?
0193 … a hypercube?
0194 … a printer?
0195 … a laser printer?
0196 … a tape drive?
0197 … an outmoded peripheral device?

0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
0199 … Is it RPN?

0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer?
0201 … 4 computers?
0202 … 16 computers?

0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
0204 … a T1 line?

0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer?
0206 … Is it legal?

0207 Do you have core memory?
0208 … drum storage?
0209 … bubble memory?

0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
0211 … 256 megabytes?
0212 … 1 gigabyte?
0213 … 16 gigabytes?
0214 … 256 gigabytes?
0215 … 1 terabyte?

0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive?

0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
0218 … Is it unlabelled?

0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
0220 … 64 floppy disks?
0221 … 256 floppy disks?
0222 … 1024 floppy disks?

0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks?

0224 Do you have an internal stack?

0225 Do you have a clock interrupt?

0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_?
0227 … Have you done all the exercises?
0228 … Do you have a MIX simulator?
0229 … Can you name the unwritten volumes?

0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_?
0231 … Did you participate in the OS/360 project?

0232 Do you have a TTL handbook?

0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?

* Career

0234 Do you have a job?
0235 … Have you ever had a job?
0236 … Was it computer-related?

0237 Do you work irregular hours?

0238 Have you ever been a system administrator?

0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks?

0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power?

0241 Is your job secure?
0242 … Do you have code to prove it?

0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?

* Games

0244 Have you ever played Pong?

Have you ever played

0246 … Spacewar?
0247 … Star Trek?
0248 … Wumpus?
0249 … Lunar Lander?
0250 … Empire?

Have you ever beaten
0251 … Moria 4.8?
0252 … Rogue 3.6?
0253 … Rogue 5.3?
0254 … Larn?
0255 … Hack 1.0.3?
0256 … Nethack 2.4?

0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic?

0258 Have you ever solved Adventure?
0259 … Zork?

0260 Have you ever written any redcode?

0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
0262 … a real-time game?
0263 … a multi-player game?
0264 … a networked game?

0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?

* Hardware

0266 Have you ever used a light pen?
0267 … did you build it?

Have you ever used
0268 … a teletype?
0269 … a paper tape?
0270 … a decwriter?
0271 … a card reader/punch?
0272 … a SOL?

Have you ever built
0273 … an Altair?
0274 … a Heath/Zenith computer?

Do you know how to use
0275 … an oscilliscope?
0276 … a voltmeter?
0277 … a frequency counter?
0278 … a logic probe?
0279 … a wirewrap tool?
0280 … a soldering iron?
0281 … a logic analyzer?

0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
0283 … has it been fabricated?

0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?

* Historical

0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel?
0286 … from memory?

0287 Can you program an Eniac?

0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?

* IBM

0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is?

0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams?

0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are?

0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive?
0294 … off a card reader?

0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?

* Languages

0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
0297 … 8 languages?
0298 … 16 languages?
0299 … 32 languages?

0300 Have you ever designed a programming language?

0301 Do you know what Basic stands for?
0302 … Pascal?

0303 Can you program in Basic?
0304 … Do you admit it?

0305 Can you program in Cobol?
0306 … Do you deny it?

0307 Do you know Pascal?
0308 … Modula-2?
0309 … Oberon?
0310 … More that two Wirth languages?
0311 … Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke?

0312 Do you know Algol-60?
0313 … Algol-W?
0314 … Algol-68?
0315 … Do you understand the Algol-68 report?
0316 … Do you like two-level grammars?

0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines?
0318 … on 4 different machines?
0319 … on 8 different machines?

Do you know
0320 … APL?
0321 … Ada?
0322 … BCPL?
0323 … C++?
0324 … C?
0325 … Comal?
0326 … Eiffel?
0327 … Forth?
0328 … Fortran?
0329 … Hypertalk?
0330 … Icon?
0331 … Lisp?
0332 … Logo?
0333 … MIIS?
0334 … MUMPS?
0335 … PL/I?
0336 … Pilot?
0337 … Plato?
0338 … Prolog?
0339 … RPG?
0340 … Rexx (or ARexx)?
0341 … SETL?
0342 … Smalltalk?
0343 … Snobol?
0344 … VHDL?
0345 … any assembly language?

0346 Can you talk VT-100?
0347 … Postscript?
0348 … SMTP?
0349 … UUCP?
0350 … English?

* Micros

0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk?
0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme?

0353 Have you ever made a “flippy” disk?

0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk?

0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?

* Networking

0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once?

0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country?
0358 … For any country?

0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug?
0360 … Was it a security hole?

0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table?
0362 … Are you up to date?

0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses?

0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart?
0365 … Can you recite all the errors in it?

0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file?
0367 … Does it work?
0368 … Do you mumble “defocus” in your sleep?

0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?

* Operating systems

Can you use
0370 … BSD Unix?
0371 … non-BSD Unix?
0372 … AIX
0373 … VM/CMS?
0374 … VMS?
0375 … MVS?
0376 … VSE?
0377 … RSTS/E?
0378 … CP/M?
0379 … COS?
0380 … NOS?
0381 … CP-67?
0382 … RT-11?
0383 … MS-DOS?
0384 … Finder?
0385 … PRODOS?
0386 … more than one OS for the TRS-80?
0387 … Tops-10?
0388 … Tops-20?
0389 … OS-9?
0390 … OS/2?
0391 … AOS/VS?
0392 … Multics?
0393 … ITS?
0394 … Vulcan?

0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive?
0396 … Off a card reader/punch?
0397 … Off a teletype?
0398 … Off a networked (non-local) disk?

0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
0400 … Did you exploit it?
0401 … Did you report it?
0402 … Was your report ignored?

0403 Have you ever crashed a machine?
0404 … Intentionally?

* People

0405 Do you know any people?
0406 … more than one?
0407 … more than two?

* Personal

0408 Are your shoelaces untied?

0409 Do you interface well with strangers?

0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems
but unable to recite your own?

0411 Do you log in before breakfast?

0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?

0413 Do you answer either-or questions with “yes”?

0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual?
0415 … *every* operating system manual?

0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment?

0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?

0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects?

0419 Do you ignore mice?

0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key?

0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants?

0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?

0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards?
0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?

0425 Have you ever seen the dawn?
0426 … Twice in a row?

0427 Do you use “foobar” in daily conversation?
0428 … “bletch”?

0429 Do you use the “P convention”?

0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM?
0431 … Do you know what it means?

0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management?

0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office?

0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?

0435 Is your license plate computer-related?

0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test?

0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience?

0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer?

0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?

* Programming

0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
0441 … In TECO?

0442 Can you read a machine dump?

0443 Can you disassemble code in your head?

Have you ever written
0444 … a compiler?
0445 … an operating system?
0446 … a device driver?
0447 … a text processor?
0448 … a display hack?
0449 … a database system?
0450 … an expert system?
0451 … an edge detector?
0452 … a real-time control system?
0453 … an accounting package?
0454 … a virus?
0455 … a prophylactic?

0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program?
0457 … Did you sell the output?
0458 … Was the output arbitrarily invented?

0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
0460 … the number e?

0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits?

0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code?
0463 … Are you proud of it?

0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
0465 … Was it longer than 20 lines?
0466 … 100 lines?
0467 … Was it in assembly language?
0468 … Did it work the second time?

0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively?
0470 … Non-recursively?
0471 … Using the Troff text formatter?

0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest?
0473 … Did it win?
0474 … Did your entry inspire a new rule?

0475 Do you know Duff’s device?

0476 Do you know Jensen’s device?

0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error?
0478 … More than an hour?
0479 … More than a day?
0480 … More than a week?
0481 … Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?

* Unix

0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix?

0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual?

0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation?

0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system?

0487 Have you ever built Minix?

0488 Can you answer “quiz function ed-command” correctly?
0489 … How about “quiz ed-command function”?

* Usenet

0490 Do you read news?
0491 … More than 32 newsgroups?
0492 … More than 256 newsgroups?
0493 … All the newsgroups?

0494 Have you ever posted an article?
0495 … Do you post regularly?

0496 Have you ever posted a flame?
0497 … Ever flame a cross-posting?
0498 … Ever flame a flame?
0499 … Do you flame regularly?

0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup?

0501 Ever forge a posting?
0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
0503 … Does it still exist?

0504 Do you remember
0505 … mod.ber?
0506 … the Stupid People’s Court?
0507 … Bandy-grams?

* Phreaking

0508 Have you ever built a black box?

0509 Can you name all of the ‘colors’ of boxes?
0510 … and their associated functions?

0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?

0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you?

“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”

“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”

“For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”

“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”