Shocking Report on Different Types of Girlfriend
It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another report was long overdue. Here’s the latest report:
Identifying Your Needs
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As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first and most important step in selecting a girlfriend.
The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the usual flashy accessories — large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc. However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.
Determine Your Budget
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The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.
Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
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A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking,
be determined by your age:
Your age Used or New
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13-18 years New
19-30 years Lightly used
31-45 years Extensively used
45+ New***
***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, “Divorced, with kids.”
New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open a checking account.
Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage (2.1 SO’s/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a
professional.
CR’s Methodology
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For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male population. All tests were performed at CU’s specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
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Girlfriends are categorized by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
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Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
with all of the options you want and none of the ones you
don’t. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even if you don’t say it, and break a bed with her
enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is
that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband,
a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty
kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than
that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is
extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing
your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor
to fair depending on quality.
Yeah, Her The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but
useful only in a pinch, if no others are available.
Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!