A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well”…explained the husband…”it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”

He continues…”well now, we hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled, she quietly said…that’s once.” “We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke…that’s twice.”

“You know, that mule hadn’t gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time.”

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”

“I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said…that’s once.”

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it’s wife bashing. If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN…THEY WANT TO!!!

Three old ladies driving to a family reunion discoverd they had a problem. All three husbands had the same name – LeRoy. The driver came up with an idea of naming their husbands after a soft drink. The other ladies thought this was a wonderful idea.

The driver went first and said she would name hers mountain dew, he was big as a mountain and could dew it all night long, the passenger in the front seat said “I am going to name mine after 7up, he has 7 inches and is up all night long”. The third lady thought for a while and said ” I am going to name mine Jim Beam”.

The driver looked at her and said girl, that is not a soft drink that’s a hard licker, the girl in the back said “Thats my man”.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her “Darling, would you give me a blow job?”

Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”
Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”
Her: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: “No, no. I just can’t”
Him: “I beg you … ”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom…”

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

Don’t be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.

You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.

If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection! Protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, No love.

Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke

Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.

“Yes, we can do this for you.”

“Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out there’s a possibility that we could be divorced?’ To which St. Peter answered “It took me six months to find a priest in heaven…how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer up there?”

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The Priest said “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hockey 3.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.
Please help! Thanks.

A Troubled User

REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT:

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation.

Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults” (GPFs). “You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs.

Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

1. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Reply : I don’t mind where you die.. as long as you do!

2. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Reply : So, how many times did you fail kinder garden?

3. Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Reply : Yes, they are. I’ve been running away from you!

4. Are you lost? Because it’s so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Reply : How many times have you been to heaven, anyway?

5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

Reply : Yeah.. why don’t you walk by and just keep walking!

6. What’s that in your eye? Oh…it’s a sparkle.
Reply : What are you on? Crack or cocaine?

7. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Reply : (too corny.. maybe a disgusted look would be enough)

8. You can forget about going to heaven because it’s sin to look that good.

Reply : You can be sure of going to hell.. your stupidity will assure you of a place!

9. if I had eleven roses and you, I’d have a dozen.

Reply : So, that’s your problem.. simple algebra!

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family probs.

Finally the other man said, “you think you have family probs? Listen to my situation! A few yrs ago I met a young widow wid a grown up daughter and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step mother and my father became my step son. Also, my wife became mother in law of her father in law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half brother, because he was my father’s son, but he also was the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothin until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother in law of my child, whose step sister is my father’s wife. I’m my step mother’s brother in law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my own father’s nephew, and I’M MY OWN GRANDFATHER!!! And you think you have family problems…”

Translating womens english

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
Is my ass fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not
going to like

TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually ike to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in
the next ten minutes
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

NOKIA CONDOMS – CONNECTING PEOPLE
MRF CONDOMS – EXTRA RUBBER EXTRA MILEAGE
MOOV CONDOMS – AH SE AHAA TAK
DUNLOP CONDOMS – EXTRA WIDE EXTRA GRIP
MIRINDA CONDOMS – ZOR KA JHATKA DHERE SE LAGE
AIR INDIA CONDOM – THE MAHARAJACONDOM
PANAMA CONDOMS – NOTHING BETWEEN YOU AND ME
DURACELL CONDOMS – LONGER LASTING
GADGIL CONDOMS – ENVIRONMENTAL FRIENDLY,REUSABLE
HERO HONDA CONDOM – FILL IT, SHUT IT, FORGET IT
MRF ZIGMA CONDOMS – SPACE AGE CONDOMS
LUX CONDOMS – FILMI SITARON KI PASAND
KELVINATOR CONDOMS – ITS THE COOLEST ONE
BAJAJ CONDOMS – BULAND BHARAT KI BULAND TASVEER
FOUR SQUARE CONDOMS – LIVE LIFE KING SIZE
VIDEOCON CONDOMS – BRING HOME THE LEADER
PHILPS CONDOMS – LETS MAKE THINGS BETTER
ONIDA CONDOMS – NEIGHBOURS ENVY, OWNERS PRIDE
PEPSI CONDOMS – YEHI HAI RIGHT CHOICE BABY ….AAAHA
THUMS UP CONDOMS – TASTE THE THUNDER
COCA-COLA CONDOMS – EAT CONDOM, SLEEP CONDOM WEAR ONLY COCA-COLA
ARIEL CONDOMS – DHUNDATE RAHE JAOGAYE
ROTOMAC CONDOMS – SAB KUCH DIKHTA HAI
WILLS CONDOMS – MADE FOR EACH OTHER
SERVO CONDOMS – USE SERVO, ADD LIFE
CEAT CONDOMS – BORN TOUGH
AMUL CONDOM – A GIFT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE
BPL CONDOMS – BELEIVE IN THE BEST
NIKE CONDOMS – JUST DO IT
SIEMENS CONDOMS – COMMUNICATION UNLIMITED
VISA CONDOMS – GO GET IT
BAGPIPER CONDOMS – KHUB JAMEGI MASTI JAB MIL BAYETHENGE TEEN YAAR, MAI,AAP,
AUR BAGPIPER CONDOM
POLO CONDOMS – A CONDOM WITH A HOLE
COLGATE CONDOMS – MAA-MAA MERE CONDOM ME CHED HAI, CHED NAHI BETA YE SADAN HAI
CADBURRY (FLAVORED) CONDOM – ASLI SWAD JINDAGI KA
THUMS UP (FLAVORED) CONDOM – TASTE THE THUNDER
PRESTIGE COOKER CONDOM – JO BIWI SE KARE PYAAR WOH CONDOM SE KAISE KAREINKAAR
WILLS CONDOMS – OFFICIAL SPONSER FOR INDIAN CRICKET TEAM
MINT-O – CONDOMS – THE WHOLE CONDOM
SONY CONDOMS – ITS A CONDOM
SURF CONDOM – BHALA USKA CONDOM MERE CONDOM SE GILA KAISE
BRITANIA (FLAVORED) CONDOM – EAT HEALTHY THINK BETTER