To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet, here is a guide to familiar estate agent advertising.

CHARMING – Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See “Cute,” “Enchanting,” and “Good Starter Home.”

MUCH POTENTIAL – Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See “Ready to
Rehab,” and “Fixer Upper.”

UNIQUE CITY HOME – Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY – Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN – Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED – Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED- Black walls and no windows. See “Architect’s Delight.”

ONE-OF-A-KIND – Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT – Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See “Makes Dramatic Statement.”

UPPER BRACKET – As if you have to ask . . .

YOU’LL LOVE IT – No, you won’t.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE – An absolutely accurate statement. A discourse on European history.

Another collection of really really bad jokes!

Q: What’s the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress can’t make death any worse than it is.

Q: What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats?
A: Sooner or later, every asshole has one!

Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

Q: Hear about the new television show about yuppies in Alaska?
A: It’s called “WD-30something”

Q: How can you tell if a kid is a loser?
A: The kid is kidnapped, and they put his picture on a MILK DUDS carton.

Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.

Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don’t listen.

Q: What’s the difference between the Panama canal and Miss America?
A: The Panama canal is a busy ditch.

Q: Why don’t U.S. senators ever use bookmarks?
A: They like their pages bent.

Q: What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
A: They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!

Got an invitation you’d rather decline? No problem. Just pick a number at random:

I’d love to, but…

1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I’ve dedicated my life to linguine.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
9 It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I’m building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
12 I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There’s a disturbance in the Force.
14 I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
16 I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19 I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I’m in training to be a household pest.
23 I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I’m sandblasting my oven.
27 I’m worried about my vertical hold.
28 I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I’m being deported.
30 The grunion are running.
31 I’ll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I’m taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
42 It’s too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 The last time I went, I never came back.
48 I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I’m having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
55 I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator.”
56 I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I’m touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put
it down.
64 I’m too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship.
69 I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I’m trying to be less popular.
73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
76 I’m writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I’m going to be old someday.
81 I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I’m observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I’m trying to cut down.

Q: What are the two biggest lies a Polock ever tells?
A: “The check is in your mouth” and “I promise not to come in your mailbox.”

Q: What does it say at the top of a Polish ladder?
A: “STOP”.

Q: Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?
A: A solar powered flashlight.

Q: What do you do when a Polock throws a grenade at you?
A: You pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What do you call a pimple on a Polacks ass?
A: A brain tumor

Q: What did the Polack do with his first 50-cent piece?
A: He married her

Q: Three Polacks on a couch – which one’s the cock sucker?
A: The one who’s spitting feathers

Q: What do you call a Polock with an I.Q. of 176?
A: A village.

Q: How do you break a Polock’s finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What’s a Polish shishkabob?
A: A flaming arrow through a garbage can.

Q: What do you call this? (Puff out cheeks)
A: Polish sperm bank

Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

Q: How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period?
A: She’s only wearing 1 sock

Q: What’s the leading killer among Polish women?
A: Toxic sock syndrome

Q: How do you get a polish woman pregnant?
A: Cum in her shoes and the flies do the rest.

Q: How do you get 3 Polacks off a couch?
A: Jerk 1 off and the other 2 cum

Q: Why is the average age of the Polish Army, 40?
A: Because they take ‘em right out of high school!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Polack and a Mongoloid with one leg?
A: A Polaroid 1 Step

Q: Did you hear how the Polish hockey team drowned?
A: Spring training!

Q: How do you sink a Polish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch!

Q: Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
A: They all meet at work.

Q: Why do Poles make the best astronauts?
A: Because they take up space in school.

Q: Why don’t they give Poles a whole hour for lunch?
A: They don’t want to have to retrain them.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pole and an ape.
A: A retarded ape.

Q: What are the three most difficult years in a Pole’s life?
A: Second grade.

Q: What do you call a Polish paratrooper?
A: Instant air pollution.

Q: Hear about the guy that was half German and half Polish?
A: He hated Jews but couldn’t figure out why!

Q: What did Hitler tell the German Army before they marched into Poland?
A: “Don’t shit in the streets, we’re trying to starve them.”

Q: What do you call a Polock with a $10,000 hat?
A: The Pope.

Q: Why is it illegal to kill flies in Poland?
A: Because that’s the national bird.

Q: What would happen if someone nuked Warsaw?
A: It would result in $2.99 worth of damage.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers illegal in Poland?
A: Because they cause too much brain damage.

Q: How does a Polock count?
A: “1, 2, 3, another, another, another….”

Q: Why did the Polish elevator operator lose his job?
A: He forgot the route.

Q: Did you hear that half of Poland moved to Italy?
A: They raised the I.Q. of both countries!

Q: Why don’t Polish women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who broke his neck raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do Poles make such lousy lovers?
A: They always wait for the swelling to go down.

Q: Why does a Polock wear a hat to the toilet to take a crap?
A: So that he will know which end to wipe.

Q: Why are there no polish pharmacies?
A: They can’t figure out how to put the little bottles in the typewriter.

Q: How come Polocks can’t use word processors?
A: They keep getting white-out all over the screen.

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.

Q: What is a Polish Pencil?
A: A pencil with erasers on both ends.

Q: Why did the stadium in Warsaw get torn down?
A: Everywhere you sit, you sit behind a Pole.

Q: Why did the Polack jump off the Empire State building?
A: To show everybody that he had guts.

Q: How do we know there is a Polish Mafia?
A: They found two men with their heads tied together and shot through the
hands.

Q: What did the Polock do with his first fifty cent piece?
A: He married her.

Q: How do you sink a Polish battleship?
A: Put it in water.

Q: Why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats?
A: So they can see the old Polish navy.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who failed as a tree surgeon?
A: He couldn’t stand the sight of sap.

Q: How do you keep a Polock in suspense?
A: I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Did you hear about the abortion clinics in Poland?
A: There’s a year-long waiting list to get in.

Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.

Q: How do you break a Pole’s finger?
A: Hit him in the nose.

Q: Did you hear about the Polock who locked his family in his car?
A: It took him an hour to get them out with a coat hanger.

Q: How come Polish people only smell on one side?
A: They can never find “Left Guard” in the supermarket.

Q: Why don’t Polish mothers breast-feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much to boil the nipples.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish parachute?
A: It opens on impact.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish assassin who was sent to blow up a car?
A: He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Q: Why aren’t there any ice cubes in Poland?
A: The inventor died and took the recipe with him.

Q: Where do the Polish keep their armies?
A: Up their sleevies.

Q: How can you tell a Polish cock sucker?
A: He’s the one spitting feathers.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who couldn’t spell?
A: Every payday he spends all night at a warehouse.

1. Spend so long in a hot bath that you come out with skin like Bette Davis.
2. Breathe deeply and chant “Yes, yes I CAN do it” before placing your
bare buttocks on a toilet seat that’s colder than penguin shit.
3. Alternatively, encourage partner to use toilet first, then on your turn,
pensively examine the hole in the roof shaped like your loved one.
4. First thing in the morning, ring up all your male friends without central
heating, and conduct a genital shrivellage survey.
5. Chuckle smugly as you watch your cat pathetically trying to bury
its ‘toilette’ with snow.
6. Ladies, put on so many layers of underwear that instead of walking
naturally, you have to waddle to the shops for the ‘live yogurt’…
7. Drink mulled wine with your friends, and see who does the best job of
pretending that it’s nice.
8. Marvel at the CNN clip of a Scandanavian male breaking the river ice and
taking a nude dip, whilst secretly hoping that there’s a cold, angry
pike with a weakness for chipolatas swimming about.
9. Build up so many layers of lip protector that you look like Galen.
10. Get so worked up when your central heating boiler breaks down that you
don’t actually need it.

Three Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their private and put them in a room with an attractive girl with no clothes. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes ‘ding-ding!’

“Go take a cold shower, now!” she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes ‘ding-ding!’

“Go take a cold shower with your brother!” she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn’t ring. The woman nods. “Good, you’ve passed. Go take a shower with your brothers.”

There he goes, “Ding-ding!”

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.

The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is “both”. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.

1. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.

2. Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

3. Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

4. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration,
romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

5. Keep informative books in the glove compartment You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.

6. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan).

In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation.

The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught.

Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.

Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans.These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Unique to Indian traffic: Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.

After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton’s laws of motion en route to school.

Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often “mopped” off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem (hell). There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans angerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension.

As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked.Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Streets: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once.

So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a “speed breaker”; two for each house.

This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 PM and 11 am-when the police have gone home.The citizen then free to enjoy the ‘FREEDOM OF SPEED’ enshrined in our constitution.

Having said all this, isn’t it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries?

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son-of-a-bitch!” he screamed.

“Sir, that is inappropriate language,” the eldest nun said. “We understand you’re upset, but must you use such language?”

“My apologies, Sister,” he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. “Son-of-a-bitch!” he screamed.

“Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language,” the nun scolded. “If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn’t help us.”

“I’m sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out,” the trucker replied.

“Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset. Say something like ‘Dear Lord, help me’.”

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out “Son…” but quickly caught himself and said, “Dear Lord, help me.”

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, “Son-of-a-bitch!”

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia. The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people.

There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected. The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can. After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.

The colonel bellows, “Did that hurt?”

Then the soldier says “No Sir.”

The colonel shouts, “Why not?” Then the soldier says, “Because I am a marine!” The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap.

After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, “Did that hurt?” The soldier responds, “No Sir.” And the colonel says “Why not?” Then the soldier shouts, “Because I am a marine!”

The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound.

The colonel asks him “Did that hurt?” And the soldier says “No Sir.” Then the colonel shouts, “Why not?”Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, “Because it was his.”

If you think life is bad…..How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard. Only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 6 other guys.

But worst of all…the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain’t that bad. Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, Oops….I mean day…

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed. A famous hypnotist was hired. The event was publicized around town. Everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the
townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.

The hypnotist began chanting: “Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch…” Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor. “Shit,” said the hypnotist.

It took the town 3 weeks to clean up the mess.

“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”

“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”

“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

“Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.”

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….”

“I Brake For No Apparent Reason.”

“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

“No Radio – Already Stolen”

“If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?”

“Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!”

“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”

“Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ”

“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”

“Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”

“He who laughs last thinks slowest”

“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

“Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.”

“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.”

“If you can read this then I have lost my caravan.”

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it.”

Intrigued, the woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says that you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles & replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”

The man exclaims, “Damn – this thing must be an hour fast!”

In a Bangkok dry-cleaner’s shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.

In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend your afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?