A little old lady walked into the head office of Chase Manhattan Bank, struggling to carry a large paper bag in her hands. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to approximately $3 million, he telephoned the bank president’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the little old lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she likes to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large sum of money, “Was it an inheritance?” he asked. “No” she answered. “Was it from playing the stock market?” he inquired. “No” she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million. “I bet,” she stated. “You bet?” repeated the bank president. “Yes, I bet people!” She exclaimed.

Seeing the confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden, she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10 am tomorrow your balls will be square.” The bank president, somewhat shocked at her statement, figured she must be off her rocker. After some deep thought he decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose such a preposterous wager.

For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was *a-okay*. There was no difference..they looked the same as they always had. Assured that alls well, he went to work, with visions of his own personal bank account blessed with a $25,000 deposit.

He got to his office, went to the executive mens room, where a quick check proved them to be normal. Smiling, he waited for the little old lady to arrive at 10 o’clock, he knew that this was to be a good day.

At 10 am sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a young man. When he inquired as to the young man’s purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer. “I always take him along when there is this much money involved.” “Well” she asked, what about our bet?” Smiling, the bank president replied. “I don’t know how to tell you this but I am the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer.” The little old lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.

The bank president thought this was a reasonable request and blushingly removed his trousers. She then instructed him to bend over, and promptly grabbed hold of the object of the bet. Sure enough, everything was fine and normal. Breathing a sigh of relief the bank president pulled up his trousers.

Looking up he saw her lawyer standing across the room, banging his head against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he inquired. “Oh him,” she replied, “I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o’clock this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank “right by the balls.”

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t know the law?
A judge.

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. “So what did you think?” he asks.

“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.

“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”

The second guy replies, “You were right.”

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton

F. Lee Bailey Love

What’s the difference between F.Lee Bailey and a generalized joke about Lawyers?
One is boorish rude and insensitive, the other is just a joke

———————-

Female Lawyer vs. Pitbull

Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

———————-

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

———————–

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?”

“It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”

“That’s my business. Get me the course!”

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer…”

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself?

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”