On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”

“No,” said the little boy… “I give up,” she said. “What is it?”

The boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”.

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.

“Daddy, the cat died today!”

“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”

“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”

“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ‘Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom’s room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed moaning, “Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!”

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a guy. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down, while moaning, “Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

Four ladies were having coffee one afternoon.The first women tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father.”

The second woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘your grace.’”

The third lady says, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence.’”

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, ‘”Well??”

So she replies, “My son is 6’2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room…women gasp, ‘OH MY LORD!’

A little boy says to a girl, “How many knees do you have?”

The little girl says, “Well, I only have two. A left and a right knee. What about you?”

The boy replies, “I have four knees. A left knee, a right knee, a hinee, and a weenie!!!”

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One More
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Q:) What did one testicle say to the other?

A:) Don’t mind the asshole behind us! It’s the PRICK ahead we’re working for!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. “Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”

“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied.

“That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.”

“When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.

The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

”Daddy, what is sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees.” When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

”Why did you ask that question, honey?”

”Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half ot the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Hers are the children’s responses.

Better to be safe than…………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the………………….bug is close.
It is always darkest before………..daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of……termites.
You can lead a horse to water but…..how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………..looks dirty.
No news is……………………….impossible.
A miss is as good as a…………….Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog…………math.
If you lie down with dogs, you……..will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust…………………..me.
The pen is mighter than……………the pigs.
An idle mind is…………………..the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there’s………pollution.
Happy is the bride who…………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is………………….not much.
Two is company, three’s……………The musketeers.
None are so blind as………………Helen Keller.
Children should be seen not………..spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed………get new batteries.
When the blind lead the blind………get out of the way.
There is no fool like……………..Aunt Edie.
Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and………………………..you have to blow your nose.
Get out of something what you………see pictured in the box.

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats light bulbs.

“How do you know that?” asks his teacher.

“I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said ‘If you turn out the light, I’ll lick that thing.’”

Q: If Santa doesn’t have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He’s an undercover kid.

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn’t you fly too?

Q: Why do we wish people a “Merry Christmas” instead of a “Happy Christmas”?
A: The two are about the same, but with “Merry Christmas” an extra twinkle is
seen in the eyes.

Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a “live
Christmas tree?”
A: It’s dead but doesn’t know it, and yet it’s having the time of its life.

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the
recipients.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit,
but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the
pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.

Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus’s bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there’s a limit to everything.

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger
on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone
on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by
several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can’t say.

Q: What can’t words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may
hear then what words can’t say.

One night, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her young son into bed.

As she was about to turn off the light, he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, “The big sissy.”

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”