1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think
we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ….WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

A man’s wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman’s body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman’s eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

“Doctor, Doctor,” she called, “I saw some movement!”

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman’s eyes.

“Well this is good news,” said the Doctor. “I think we should call her husband and let him know.”

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. “I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex,” he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife’s room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

“Oops,” he said, “I think I choked her.”

Four nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really warm day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear. So they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.

Later they heard a knock on the door….

“Who is it???”,

The man who knocked replied, “I’m the blind man”.

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room…. The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,

“Nice body sisters, where do you want the blinds to be put??”

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, grandpa, you’re drunk. Go home!”

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!”

“So,” he continues, “From now on, we’re going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we’re going to make love all night!”

The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled, “Bell #1!” The wife took off all her clothes. “Bell #2!”…..The wife jumped into bed. “Bell #3!”….. They began passionate loving…

After two minutes, the wife yelled, “Bell #4!”….. The husband asked “What the hell is this Bell #4?” “MORE HOSE!” she replied, “YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!”

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

“Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!”

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back???”

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.
You’ve been on overtime almost a year,
And since you are gone, till way late at night
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight..

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please don’t be a fool,
Working this overtime is wasting your tool..
For better it is, to be poor all your life,
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife..

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you’re no where to be seen
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep..

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry..

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I’ve played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,
So I’ll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you’re on O.T., we’ll proceed to make hay..

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there is no pardon, and never has been,
And that is a man who’s so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his fucking to run a machine..

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.

After the exam, she shyly said, ”My husband wants me to ask you…,” to which the doctor replies, ”I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ”I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

”No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. ”He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
- Your last name stays put.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- Same work… more pay.
- Wrinkles add character
- You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- All your orgasms are real.
- You don’t have to shave below your neck.
- One mood, all the time.
- Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor, says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!”

“Aha!” says the doctor.

”I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead.

Guy: No kidding!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before…

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…

Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead.

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you’re gonna hate Fridays.

What it really means when men say….. “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”

Really means….”I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”

“Haven’t I seen you before?” = “Nice ass.”

“I’m a Romantic.” = “I’m poor.”

“I need you.” = “My hand is tired.”

“I am different from all the other guys.” = “I am not circumcised.”

“I want a commitment.” = “I’m sick of masturbation.”

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.” = “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

“I really want to get to know you better.” = “So I can tell my friends about it.”

“It’s just orange juice, try it.” = “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

“She’s kinda cute.” = “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

“I don’t know if I like her.” = “She won’t sleep with me.”

“I miss you so much.” = “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

“Was it good for you?” = “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” = “Is my penis really that small?”

“I had a wonderful time last night.” = “Who the hell are you?”

“I’ll give you a call.” = “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot.” = “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

“I think we should just be friends.” = “You’re ugly.”

I’ve learned a lot from you.” = “Next !!!”

“I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?” = “I forgot to turn on my answering machine.”

“Do you love me?” = “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

“Do you ‘really’ love me?” = “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

“How much do you love me?” = “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

“I have something to tell you.” = “Get tested.”