Reasons why you should be allowed to get drunk at work:

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I am very rich.Marry me!”
That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s very rich.Marry him.”
That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, “Hi,I’m very rich.Marry me.”
That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and
pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her aride, and then say,
“By the way, I’m very rich.Will you marry me?”
That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich..”
That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I’m rich.Marry me”
She gives you a nice hard tight slap on your face.
That’s Customer Feedback !!!!!!!!

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its “Got Milk?” campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was “Are you lactating?”

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called “Cue” in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, “Fly in leather,” it came out in Spanish as “Fly naked.”

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” sounds much more interesting in Spanish: “It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.”

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name “Pavian” to suggest French chic…but “pavian” means “baboon” in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan “finger lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off”

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of “v” is f – which in German is the guttural equivalent of “sexual penetration.”

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, “Avoid Embarrassment – Use Quink” into Spanish as “Evite Embarazos – Use Quink”…which also means, “Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink.”

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, “Pepsi Brings You Back to Life” pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.”

In Italy, a campaign for “Schweppes Tonic Water” translated the name into the much less thirst quenching “Schweppes Toilet Water.”

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax,” depending on the dialect.

Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with “ko-kou-ko-le” which translates roughly to the much more appropriate “happiness in the mouth.”

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that “Puff” in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. “No va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that “Pinto” is Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.” Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with “Corcel” which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA – with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside since most people can’t read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its “Big John” products as “Gros Jos.” It later found out that the phrase is slang for “big breasts.”

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.”

The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.”

The manager says: “You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can go to the office and do some work.

This is an actual collection of leave letters and applications

1. A candidate’s application: “This has reference to your advertisement calling for a typist and an accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave.

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: “As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend’s letter “I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school”

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: “As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day”.

7. A covering note “I am enclosed herewith…”

8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept : “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

9. Actual letter written for application of leave: “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

10. Letter writing: – “I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, “since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss.”

The feet said, “since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss.”

The hands said, “since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss.”

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don’t have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:? Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:??Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:? The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing a love mail and doing a ‘Send All.’

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:? A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:? A person sending email to himself?

HEIGTHT OF EXPECTATION:? Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail,wishing them to win a match.

HEIGHT OF REPETITION:? Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you By some one in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF BROWSING:? U r swimming in the water tank and shout “F1 F1 F1?” instead of shouting “HELP” when u are unable to swim…

HEIGHT OF MY DOSTI: I always mail, u dont.

HEIGHT OF HAVING NO WORK: You people reading such mails.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 127%

will take you.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon”.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,” said the first surgeon.

“You open them up and everything inside is numbered.” “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,” said the second. “You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.” “I like to operate on electricians,” said the third. “You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

“I like to operate on lawyers,” said the fourth. “They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.” “I like engineers,” said the fifth.

“They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said,”Meow.”

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew, I’d like to welcome you onboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard (right) side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the Port (left) wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Thank you for flying British Airways”

1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

5. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12. Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic they open up again.”

15. Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

18. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there little buddy?”

19. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,without getting off.

20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

21. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

22. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

23. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

24. Wait a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

25. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”