This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I’m sending him over.”

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?”

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?”

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

“Ok, what about her earth?”

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. “OK, finally, I’d like to thee her twat.”

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s canal then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to thee her run!”

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control center announced, ”This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.”

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, ”This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.”

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, ”This is mission control to the astronaut…”

At this the astronaut shouted ”I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

“Yeti tracks,” the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. “One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti.”

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft ‘thud thud thud’ of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn’t believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

“Tag! You’re it!”

1. Newton’s Method : Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
2. Einstein Method : Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method : At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method : We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure : We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differential Method : Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.

Now Lets Kill The Lion

1. Rajnikanth Method : (a) Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself. (b) Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion will die notwithstanding that heavy weight.
2. Kamal Method : Go near the lion and cry like anything….Lion will die of sorrow!
3. Jayalalitha Method : Send Police commisioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it’s sleeping!
4. Manirathnam Method : Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmering something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
5. Balachandar Method : Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don’t understand right…ok….read it after 15 yrs, then also you wont!
6. Bharathiraja Method : Send Napolean and kill it with Thirupacchi aruva.
7. Shanker method : Take the lion to Australia or US…and kill it in a good scenic location.
8. Vijaykanth method : Bring 5 more lions.Fight with them and kill all of them expect one.Then advice some patriotism to the remaining one. This lion will become cow.
9. T. Rajendar method : Bring one lioness. Make your lion to fall in love with the lioness. Arrange for some 6 or 7 songs (make sure that none of them are duets)….Finally see to that the love is broken.lion will die of love failiure.
10. Shah Rukh Khan method : Release a film like “ASHOKA” and make the lion to watch the movie.
11. Govinda method : Continously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
12. Rahul dravid method : Ask the lion to bowl at you. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.
13. Menaka gandhi method : Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continously.
14. George bush method : Link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him.

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”

“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”

The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.

“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”

MATHEMATICIANS
hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove
the existence of at least one unique Lion and then leave the detection and capture of an actual Lion to their graduate students.

QUANTUM MECHANICS SCIENTISTS
spend their time trying to ascertain whether a Lion is only visible when there is someone there to see it and go on to design fiendishly complicated traps for theoretical Lions involving small amounts of radioactive substances and glass vials of toxic vapour (Schrodinger’s Lion).

LOGICIANS
don’t hunt Lions; for them it is sufficient to prove the existence of Lions and Lion-hunters and an additional theorem which proves that Lion-hunters do indeed hunt Lions (at least in theory).

COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS
hunt Lions by exercising Algorithm A. Go to South Africa
Start at the Cape of Good Hope Work northward, traversing the continent alternately east and west During each traverse:

a) catch all observed animals
b) compare each animal caught to a known Lion
c) stop when a match is detected

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known Lion in Cairo to ensure the Algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS
hunt Lions by catching tawny animals at random and stopping when any one of them weighs plus or minus 15% of any previously observed Lions. (Owners of overweight Red Persian Longhairs beware!)

ECONOMISTS
don’t hunt Lions, but believe that if Lions are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

POLITICIANS
hunt Lions by cutting off their social security payments as an incentive for Lions to hunt themselves.

PROTECTION RACKETEERS
hunt Lions by making them an offer they can’t refuse.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see n times and call it a Lion.

CONSULTANTS
don’t hunt Lions. Many have never hunted anything at all, but can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat-size and bullet-colour to the efficiency of Lion-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the Lion.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT
set broad Lion-hunting policy based on the assumption that Lions are just like big Red-Self Persians but with deeper voices.

SALESPEOPLE
don’t hunt Lions. They spend their time selling the Lions they haven’t caught, for delivery two weeks before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for a Lion. Hardware salespeople catch Maine Coon kittens, paint them tawny
and sell them as desktop Lions.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS
ignore the Lions and look for mistakes the others made when they were parking the jeep.

CAT FANCIERS
Don’t hunt Lions but may attempt to breed them. However Lion-breeding strategy is affected by lack of CFA/TICA recognition of Lions and the fact that Lions don’t fit into standard show-cages. Any hint of non-Lions in a 5 generation pedigree adversely affects recognition of Lions. Purists argue that any hint of non-tawny Lions (e.g. sporadic occurrence of White Lions, Dappled Lions) invalidates recognition.

IRCA may already breed Genuine Lions in which case they will place advertisements which claim that Lions from other sources are half-bred or overbred lookalikes; there are rumours that they have already created the Leonoid, a cat which can be bred to any other cat and produce a Lion.

Liberal-minded and progressive Lion-breeders attempt to extend the range of available Lions through outcrossing, resulting in Rex Lions (Li-Rex), Wirehair Lions, LaPerm Lions (LeoPerms), Sphynx Lions, Manx Lions (Li-Manx), Scottish Fold Lions, Spotted Lions, Colorpoint Lions (Liamese), Sepia Lions and calico Lions. Unfortunately most Lion-breeding experiments do not result in newly recognised Lion varieties, not because of genetic faults in the breeding stock, but because Lions view potential outcross mates, Lion-breeders and show judges as between-meals snacks. Miniature Lions (Lunchkins, Leo Tois, Leopuras) may solve this problem.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”

The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

The cat yawns and stretches and says, ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!”

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

There were four ducks that got arrested while messing around at the pond. The judge orders the ducks to come in one at a time to speak their piece.

The first duck comes in.

“What’s your name, son?” the judge asks.

“Duck,” replied the duck.

“What are you in for?” the judge asks.

“Well, I was sitting at the pond blowing bubbles, and the cop came by and arrested me.”

The judge said “Okay, send in the next duck.”

The next duck came in. His name was “Duck, Duck,” and he told the exact same story as the first duck.

After his examination, the judge asked for the third duck to be sent in. The third duck’s name was “Duck, Duck, Duck,” and he told the same story as the first two.

Finally, the judge sent for the fourth duck.

As he came in, the judge said, “Let me guess, your name is Duck, Duck, Duck, Duck, right?”

The duck replied, “No sir, my name is Bubbles.”

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man…

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. “OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”

His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!”

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”