Q: Did you hear about the new car being manufactured in San Francisco?
A: It’s called the “Hampster”, the only problem is that it’s difficult to get it out of “Gere”.

Q: What did Robert Wagner say to Natalie Wood the night she died?
A: “OK honey, you can have a drink, but don’t go overboard!”

Q: What do the L.A. Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.

Q: What’s Billy Jean King’s latest advertising sponsor?
A: Strap on Tools of America

Q: What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook

Q: What’s old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
A: Fred Astair’s face

Q: What’s green, and smells like pork?
A: Kermit’s finger

Q: What do Billy Graham and the Houston Oilers have in common?
A: They both can fill up the Astrodome, and in fifteen minutes,
they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!!

Q: What was John Lennon’s last hit?
A: The pavement.

Q: What was Gary Hart’s biggest mistake???
A: Not having Ted Kennedy drive Donna Rice home!

Q: How did Capt. Hook die?
A: Jock itch!

Q: What is the definition of “Endless Love”?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!

Q: What’s the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?
A: Fonda spent more time in ‘Nam.

Q: What did Dan Quayle say when Marilyn Quayle blew in his ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, Honey!

Q: Why did George Bush win the election?
A: Because Barbara’s picture is on the $1 bill.

Q: Did you hear that Salmon Rushdie is publishing his next book?
A: Its called “Buddha, you fat fuck!”

Q: Why did Yoko Ono call the exterminator?
A: She found a dead Beatle on her door-step!

Q: What were the last words of Mr. Ed, the talking horse?
A: “A corpse is a corpse, of horse, of horse.”

Q: Why did Maria Schriver marry Arnold Schwartzeneggar?
A: They’re trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy.

Q: Do you know why Nancy Reagan is always on top?
A: Because Ronnie only knows how to screw up.

Q: You’ve heard of Alzheimer’s Disease but do you know what Waldheimer’s
disease is ?
A: You forget that you used to be a Nazi.

Q: What do Marilyn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington, DC) have
in common?
A: They both like to blow a little dope!

Q: Did you hear what Mickey Mouse got for his 60th birthday?
A: A Dan Quayle watch.

Q: What do Len Bias and Rock Hudson have in common?
A: They both got a hold of some bad crack.

Q: What’s yellow, ugly and sleeps alone?
A: Yoko Ono.

Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.

Q: What was John Lennon’s last hit?
A: The pavement.

Q: Why can’t you take a crap at a Beatles concert?
A: There’s no John anymore.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Prior?
A: One was burned by coke, the other by Pepsi.

Q: What’s fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes?
A: Fidel Castro.

Q: What’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
A: Bo Derrick getting older.

Q: What’s wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
A: Fred Astaire’s face.

Q: Did you hear Karen Carpenter’s brother’s new song?
A: “She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Sister.”

Q: Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis?
A: Because she swings both ways.

Q: What’s worse than grease on Olivia Newton-John?
A: “Come on Eileen.”

Q: Who is Billy Jean King’s latest sponsor?
A: “Snap-On Tools of America.”

Q: Did you hear that Princess Grace was on the radio?
A: …And on the dash board, the steering wheel, etc.

Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A: A good stroke.

Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him.

Q: What part of Popeye doesn’t rust?
A: The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

Q: What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A: Kermit’s undivided attention!

Q: Which is better, Dolly Pardon’s bra or Princess Di’s douchebag?
A: The latter: A royal flush always beats a pair.

Q: How come Dolly Pardon has such small feet?
A: Things don’t grow well in the shade.

Q: How can you spot Dolly Pardon’s children in a crowd?
A: They’re the ones with the stretch marks on their lips.

Q: How do you know when you’re being mooned by Ronald McDonald?
A: He’s the one with the sesame seed buns.

Q: What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the top of her coffin.

Q: What did Abraham Lincoln said the morning after his wildest party?
A: “I freed the what?”

Q: Did you see Roman Polanski’s new movie?
A: Close Encounters With The Third Grade.

Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A: “t’da dump, t’da dump, t’da dump dump dump.”

Q: What’s big, savage, and goes “shhhhhhhhhhhhh”.
A: Conan the Librarian.

Q: Hear about the new movie about looking for your popcorn?
A: Its called “The Hunt for RED-enbacher”

Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.

Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: You drop him a line.

Q: Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn’t concentrate.

Q: If you are American in the kitchen – what are you in the bathroom ?
A: European.

Q: “Should I boil the new missionary?” asked the cannibal.
A: “No” replied the chief, “He’s a friar.”

Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.

Q: Why is the ringling brothers circus so mind boggling?
A: Because it’s in tents!

Q: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerus?
A: Elephino.

Q: Why couldn’t the bike make it up the hill?
A: Because it was “two” tired!

Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly?
A: Because baby ducks can’t walk, hardly.

Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.

Q: What happened to the butcher?
A: He backed into a meat cutter and got a little behind in his work.

Q: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they just had a 31 day March!

Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.

Q: What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?
A: Down Syndrome.

Q: What do you call an obsession with fabric softener?
A: Downey syndrome.

Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a pig?
A: Sausage lynx

Q: Where do cantaloups go for the summer?
A: John Cougar’s Mellencamp..

Q: What is “smore play”?
A: It’s what smurfs do before they smuck!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dicktater.

Q: Did you hear about the happy Roman?
A: He was gladiator.

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough

Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.

Q: Why did the rubber fly across the room?
A: It got pissed off.

Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!”

Q: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.

Q: What’s brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss shit.

Q: Why does an Indian wear feathers on his head?
A: To keep his wig-wam.

Q: How do you make a kleenex dance?
A: Blow a little boogie into it.

Q: Why don’t witches ever have babies?
A: ‘Cause warloks have hollow-weenies.

Q: Why can’t Gypsies have children?
A: Because all the men have crystal balls.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

Q: Did you hear about the scientist who was experimenting with rats?
A: He switched to lawyers so he wouldn’t form an emotional attachment.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pincher.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a snake, dead on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: Why don’t lawyers ever get eaten by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy

Q: What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A: A rooster clucks defiance.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Who cares?

Want religion jokes? Here’s a collection of some real stinkers!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!

Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident?
A: The punchlines were too long.

Q: What do the Pope and 7-UP have in common?
A: “Never had it, never will.”

Q: Why didn’t Jesus get into college?
A: He got hung up on his boards.

Q: What do you call a Nun with a sex change?
A: A “Transister”

Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have balls just for decoration.

Q: What kind of meat does the Pope eat on Fridays?
A: Nun.

Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Q: What’s heavenly, white, and falls from above?
A: Kingdom come.

Q: Why can’t you circumcise Libyans?
A: Because there’s no end to those pricks.

Q: What’s the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?
A: The nun has hope in her soul.

Q: What did Adam say to Eve on their first evening together?
A: “Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing gets!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with an IBM?
A: A computer system that never goes down.

Q: Why did God create men?
A: Cucumbers don’t take out the garbage.

Have you ever felt the need to use those wonderful “buzzwords” that are so impressive that nobody understands them? NOW YOU CAN! – With the Sweary Patent Business Buzzword Generator….

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE

Simply select at random 4 numbers between 1 – 16 and string the
corresponding word from each column.

EXAMPLE
If you are asked a question to which you do not know the answer think of four numbers and string the words together in a
sentence. A little practise will have you astounding your colleagues.

1 Zero Financing Feedback System
2 Positive Socio Economic Concept
3 Negative Political Demographic Analysis
4 Micro Integrated Forecasting Horizon
5 Macro Privatised Elastic Timescale
6 Tactical Sensitised Inhibiting Action
7 Optimum Strategic Planning Cycle
8 Facilitating Elastic Employment Negotiation
9 Corporate Segmented Disaster Overview
10 Regulatory Distinctive Shift Plan
11 Synergistic Transformational Competence Strategy
12 Optimistic Marketing Awareness Scenario
13 Pessimistic Situational Interactive Syndrome
14 Fascinating Infra Synchro Matrix
15 Marginal Costed Inter Loop
16 Multi Negative Highlight Audit

If you need a faster more random solution, the sweary.com business buzzword generator is the tool for you! Check it out here, and amaze everyone with your new grasp of business speak! Its funny as hell and fully endorsed by Donald Trump!*

*(not).

To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet, here is a guide to familiar estate agent advertising.

CHARMING – Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See “Cute,” “Enchanting,” and “Good Starter Home.”

MUCH POTENTIAL – Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See “Ready to
Rehab,” and “Fixer Upper.”

UNIQUE CITY HOME – Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY – Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN – Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED – Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED- Black walls and no windows. See “Architect’s Delight.”

ONE-OF-A-KIND – Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT – Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See “Makes Dramatic Statement.”

UPPER BRACKET – As if you have to ask . . .

YOU’LL LOVE IT – No, you won’t.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE – An absolutely accurate statement. A discourse on European history.

AI (Artificial Intelligence):
Artificial Idiot.
Artificial Insecticides.
Automatic Insecticide.

AMC (American Motor Co.):
All Makes of Cars.
Almost Makes Corners.

Amiga (computers):
A Merely Insignificant Games Addition.
Asinine Machine Invented for Gaming Adolescents.

APL:
All Programming Languages.

APPALLING:
Acronym Production, Partiularly At Lavish Levels, Is No Good.

Apple:
All Programmers Pursuing Legal Ends.

Ass:
Advanced Sensor System.

Audi:
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence.

BASIC:
Beginners And Sysops Instruction Code.

BNR (Bengal Nagpur Railway):
Bribes Never Refused.

Big Mac:
Business Is Gonna Mutilate Another Cow.

Bitch:
Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming and Horny.

BMW (Bavarian Motor Works):
Babbling Mechanical Wrench.
Bart, Muni, Walk (San Francisco transportation).
Basic Marin (county, Ca.) Wheels.
Beastly, Monstrous Wonder.
Beautiful Masterpiece on Wheels.
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder.
Big Money Waste.
Big Money, Why?.
Big Money Works.
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck.
Born Moderately Wealthy.
Bought My Wife.
Break My Window.
Broken Money Waster.
Broken Monstrous Wonder.
Brutal Money Waster.
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch.

BNR:
Built, Never Runs.

Boeing:
Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens.

BB&CI (Bombay Baroda & Central India Railway):
Beastly, Bad and Cannot Improve.

Buick:
Big Ugly Import Car Killer.
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer.
Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky.

CBM:
Crash-prone Buggy Machines.

CCBS:
Close Cover Before Striking.

Chevrolet:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

Chevy:
Charged HEaVilY.
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet.
Cruddy Hick Engine, Very Yucky.

Chrysler:
Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likable Engineering Research.

COBOL:
Compiles Only Because Of Luck.
Considered Obsolete By Other Languages.

COTERIE:
Clear Only to Those Earlier Reached, Initiated, and Educated.

CNN (Cable News Network):
Crosseyed News Network.

DEC (Digital Equipment Corp.):
Delayed Error Correction.

Dildo:
Deep Inter-Labial Device for Orgasm.

Dodge:
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy.
Dead On Delivery Guarantee Expired.
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter.
Department Of Defense’s Grossest Error.
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.

DOS (disc operating system):
Damned Obsolete System.

EPCOT (Experimental Prototype Community Of Tommorow):
Employee Paychecks Come On Thursday.
Every Person Comes Out Tired.
Experimental Polyester Costumes Of Tomorrow.
Extremely Profitable Corporation Of Today.

Fiat:
Failure In Automotive Technology.
Fixed It Again, Today.
Fix It ‘Alla Time.
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation.

Fila (shoes):
First In Ladies Attention.
Found In Lowlife’s Apparel.

Ford:
Fails On Rainy Days.
First On Race Day.
First On Rainy Days.
First On Recall Day.
First On Road to Dump.
First On Rust and Deterioration.
Fix Or Repair Daily.
Flip Over, Read Directions.
Found On Road Dead.
Found On Rubbish Dump.
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto’s.

GE (General Electric):
Grossly Expensive.

GIP (Great Indian Peninsular Railway):
Great Improvement Possible.

GM (General Motors):
General Maintenence.

GMC (General Motors Corp.):
Garage Man’s Companion.
Generally Mediocre Cars.
Gets More Chicks.
Got a Mechanic Coming.

GNU:
GNU’s Not Upgraded.

GTO:
Get Tires Often.

IBM: IBM, UBM, we all BM for IBM.
I Became Macintosh.
I Blame Microsoft.
I Bought Macintosh.
I Built Macintosh.
Icky Blue Machines.
Idiots Become Managers.
Idiots Buy Me.
Idolized By Morons.
I’ll Buy Macintosh.
Illustrative of Bad Marketing.
I’m Being Mobbedwithwhatdoesibmstandforanswers.
I’ve Being Moved.
I’m Bloody Mad.
Imitation Burrough’s Machine.
Immense Bins of Money.
Immense Bowel Movement.
Immense Bucket of Manure.
Imperialism By Marketing.
Impossible to Become Macintosh.
Impractical, But Marketable.
In a Befuddled Manner.
In Bleakest Mordor.
In Business for Money.
Incredible Bunch of Muffinheads.
Incredibly Barbaric Merchandise.
Incredibly Big Machines.
Incredibly Big Monopoly.
Industry’s Biggest Mistake.
Incredibly Boring Machine.
Incredibly Brilliant Marketing.
Inefficient But Marketable.
Inert Blue Monoliths.
Inferior But Marketable.
Infernal Bonehead Machines.
Installed By Masochists.
Installed By Mistake.
Integrated Bad Manners.
Intensely Boring Machines.
International Ballistic Missiles.
International Big Mouths.
International Brotherhood of Magicians.
International Business Machines. <–Highly unlikely this one!
International Business Manipulators.
Intrepid Bureaucratic Madness.
Italian Branch of the Mafia.
Italian Business Men.
It Beats Mattel.
It’ll Be Messy.
It’s Better Manually.
It’s Big Money.
It’s Black Magic.
It’s Blue Magic.
It’s Boring Me.
It’s Broken, Mommy.
It’s Busted, Man.
Itty Bitty Machines.
Itty Bitty Morons.
I’ve Been Misled.
I’ve Been Mugged.

IBM PC:
I’ve Blown My Power Circuits.

Icon:
I Can’t Operate Numbers.

IMHO (In My Humble Opinion):
Idiots Manage High Office.
Inane Marketing Hold-Over.
Individual Maintenance Health Organization.

Iowa:
Idiots Out Wandering Around.
I Owe the World an Apology.

IROC:
I’m Really Out of Cash.
Italian Retard Out Cruising.
I Race Other Cars.
I Run Over Children.
It’s Really Only a Camaro.

IRS:
Income Reduction Service.

Japan:
Jump And Pump All Night.

Jeep:
Just Eats Every Part.
Just Enough Essential Parts

Kaypro:
Keeping All Yuppies’ Personal Records Organized.

KGB:
Kick Gorby’s Butt.
Kiss Gorby’s Butt.

LISP:
Lots of Inane Silly Parentheses.

LTD:
Long Term Debt.
Lousy Transportation, Dammit.

Mac:
Mainly Active in Court.
Malformed Apple Computer.
Man Against Computer.
Miserable At Computing.
Mono-tasking All Computers.
Monstrously Aggravating Code.
More Apple Crap.
Must Avoid Color.
Mouse Activated Computer.
Multitasking Applications? Can’t!
Mundane And Costly
My Autistic Computer.

MSM (Madras & Southern Mahratta Railway):
Mail Slowly Moving.

Mazda:
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.

MBA:
Married But Available.
Money Buys Anything.

MG:
Might Go.
Money Guzzler.

MIG:
Missed It, Gadaffi.
Missed It, Goddammit.

Mopar:
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously.
Mostly Old Parts And Rust.
Most Often Passed At Races.
My Old Pig Ain’t Running.
My Only Problems Are Repairs.

MRE (Meals Ready to Eat):
Meals Ready to Explode.
Meals Rejected by Ethiopians.

MS-DOS (Micro Soft Disc Operating System):
Maybe Some Day an Operating System.

Mustang:
Massively Ugly Shitpile That’s Always No Good.

NCR (National Cash Register (Company)):
No Computer, Really!.

NFS (Network File Server):
No File Safe.
No File Saved.

Nissan:
Never I Shall Steal Another Nissan.

Olds:
One Leak, Dead Starter.

Oldsmobile:
Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything!
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.

OS (operating system):
Oh, Shit.

PC (personal computer):
Primitive Calculator.
Pseudo-Computer.

Pinto:
Performance Is Not The Object.
Put In New Transmission Often.
Put In Nickel To Operate.

Plymouth:
Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood.

Pontiac:
Poor Old Negro Thinks It’s A Cadillac.

Porsche:
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continual High Expense.

Probe:
Plainly Runs Only By Exception.

Procrastinate:
People Rarely Obtain Coveted Rewards After Scheduling Tasks Into
Never-Attainable Time Elements.

PTL (Praise the Lord):
Pacify The Loonies.
Padres Tickle Ladies.
Pagans Teaching Love.
Pardon The Lapse.
Pardon The Lies.
Pass The Lobster.
Pass The Loot.
Pay The Lady.
Pay The Lawyers.
Pay The Liar.
Pay The Lord.
Pennies Taken Liberally.
People To Loathe.
Plunder The Laymen.
Poverty To Luxury.
Prayers Too Late.
Preachers Televised Loudly.
Preachers Telling Lies.
Preachers, Thieves, Liars.
Preachers To Lechers.
Pretend To Love.
Price The Lord.
Prison Term Likely.
Promise Them Lies.
Pursue The Ladies.

RPG:
Russian Programming Group.

Saab:
Send Another Auto Back.
Slick As A Brick.
Swedish Auto Always Broken.
Swedish Autos Are Best.

SCUD:
Saddam Can’t Understand Diddley.
Saddam Clearly Understands D-day.
Saddam Completely Useless Defense.
Seldom Causes Unfortunate Deaths.
Shoddy, Clumsy, Unreliable Devices.
Should Cause Uproar in Damscus.
Should, Could, Usually Doesn’t.
Somewhat Clumsy Unguidable Device.
Sorry, Can’t Understand Directions.
Still Considered Under Development.
Stupid Crazy Ugly Dictator.
System Currently Under Development.

Spam:
Scientifically Produced Artificial Meat.
Sick People’s Alternate Meat.
Silly Putty And Mud.
Slimy Pressed Animal Matter.
Spiced Pink Anti Meat.

SPSF (Southern Pacific Santa Fe railroad):
Shouldn’t Paint So Fast.

ST (Atari ST computers):
Silly Toy.
Simple Technology.
Still Trying.
Stupid Terminal.
Superior Technology.

Subaru (read backwards):
U-R-A-BUS.

SUN: Some UNIX Nerds.
Single User network.

Toyota:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.

UCLA (Univ. of Calif. at Los Angeles):
University of Caucasians Lost among Asians.

UCI (Univ. of Calif. at Irvine):
Under Construction Indefinitely.
University of Chinese Immigrants.

UP (Union Pacific railroad):
Union (like onion) Pathetic.

USC (Univ. of Southern Calif.):
University of Spoiled Children.

VAX:
Virgin At Xerox.

VW:
Virtually Worthless.

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney’s clogged.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky’s kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

A compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom, cunningly disguised as a test.

Scoring – Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each question that you can answer correctly.

If you score is between: You are

0×000 and 0×010 -> Computer Illiterate
0×011 and 0×040 -> a User
0×041 and 0×080 -> an Operator
0×081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0×100 -> a Hacker
0×101 and 0×180 -> a Guru
0×181 and 0×200 -> a Wizard

Note: If you don’t understand the scoring, stop here.

And now for the questions…

0001 Have you ever used a computer?
0002 … for more than 4 hours continuously?
0003 … more than 8 hours?
0004 … more than 16 hours?
0005 … more than 32 hours?

0006 Have you ever patched paper tape?

0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming?
0008 … Missed an examination?
0009 … Missed a wedding?
0010 … Missed your own wedding?

0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated?
0012 … Did it make sense the next day?

0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator?

0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment?

0015 Ever change the value of 4?
0016 … Unintentionally?
0017 … In a language other than Fortran?

0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting?

0019 Have you named a computer?

0020 Do you complain when a “feature” you use gets fixed?

0021 Do you eat slime-molds?

0022 Do you know how many days old you are?

0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza?

0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke?
0025 … Did someone not ‘get’ it?

0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
0027 … Backwards?

0028 Have you seen “Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land”?

0029 Have you seen “Tron”?

0030 Have you seen “Wargames”?

0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
0032 … EBCDIC?

0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal?
0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes?

0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex?

0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa?

0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?

0038 Do you know maxint on your system?

0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision?

0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order?
0041 … up to 2**32?
0042 … up to 2**64?

0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
0044 … feeling the holes?

0045 Have you ever patched binary code?
0046 … While the program was running?

0047 Have you ever used program overlays?

0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president?
0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?

0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT?
0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT?

0052 Have you ever digitized a picture?

0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey?

0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop?

0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort?

0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?

0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
0058 … Did it answer?

0059 Can you whistle 300 baud?
0060 … 1200 baud?

0061 Can you whistle a telephone number?

0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash?
0063 Have you made a disk drive “walk”?

0064 Can you build a puffer train?
0065 … Do you know what it is?

0066 Can you play music on your line printer?
0067 … Your disk drive?
0068 … Your tape drive?

0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar?
0070 … Is it out-of-date?

0071 Do you have a line printer picture of…
0072 … the Mona Lisa?
0073 … the Enterprise?
0074 … Einstein?
0075 … Oliver?
0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture?

0077 Do you know what the following stand for?
0078 … DASD
0079 … Emacs
0080 … ITS
0081 … RSTS/E
0082 … SNA
0083 … Spool
0084 … TCP/IP

Have you ever used
0085 … TPU?
0086 … TECO?
0087 … Emacs?
0088 … ed?
0089 … vi?
0090 … Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0091 … SOS?
0092 … EDT?
0093 … Wordstar?

0094 Have you ever written a CLIST?

Have you ever programmed in
0095 … the X windowing system?
0096 … CICS?

0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?

0098 Have you ever shown a novice the “any” key?
0099 … Was it the power switch?

Have you ever attended
0100 … Usenix?
0101 … DECUS?
0102 … SHARE?
0103 … SIGGRAPH?
0104 … NetCon?

0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?

0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone?

0107 Have you ever seen voice mail?
0108 … Can you read it?

0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary?

0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test?
0111 … Did you fail?

0112 Ever drop a card deck?
0113 … Did you successfully put it back together?
0114 … Without looking?

0115 Have you ever used IPCS?

0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer?

0117 Does your computer come in ‘designer’ colors?

0118 Ever interrupted a UPS?

0119 Ever mask an NMI?

0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system?
0121 … Intentionally?
0122 … Do you still work there?

0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch?
0124 … Intentionally?

0125 Do you have any defunct documentation?
0126 … Do you still read it?

0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program?
0128 … Did you find bugs in it?

0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?

0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone?

0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high?

0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?

0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software?
0134 … Vice versa?

0135 Ever belong to a user/support group?

0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?

0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper?
0138 … Did you get away with it?

0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning?

0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language?

0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?

0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test?

0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch?
0144 … To bed?

0145 Ever patch a microcode bug?
0146 … around a microcode bug?

0147 Can you program a Turing machine?

0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head?

0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head?

0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star?

0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?

0152 Have you solved the halting problem?
0153 … Correctly?

0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti?

0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program?

0156 Ever swapped out the swapper?

0157 Can you read a state diagram?
0158 … Do you need one?

0159 Ever create an unkillable program?
0160 … Intentionally?

0161 Ever been asked for a cookie?

0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?

* Do you know…

0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue?
0164 … Rogomatic?

0165 Do you know Gray code?

0166 Do you know what HCF means?
0167 … Ever use it?
0168 … Intentionally?

0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
0170 … Ever make one?

0171 Do you know the end of the epoch?
0172 … Have you celebrated the end of an epoch?
0173 … Did you have to rewrite code?

0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE?

0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout?
0176 … Can you wire a connector without looking?

* Do you have…

0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars?
0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes?
0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker’s dictionary?
0180 … Did you contribute to it?

0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
0182 … Is it unused?

0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file?

0184 Do you have the Anarchist’s Cookbook?
0185 … Ever make anything from it?

0186 Do you own a modem?
0187 … a terminal?
0188 … a toy computer?
0189 … a personal computer?
0190 … a minicomputer?
0191 … a mainframe?
0192 … a supercomputer?
0193 … a hypercube?
0194 … a printer?
0195 … a laser printer?
0196 … a tape drive?
0197 … an outmoded peripheral device?

0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
0199 … Is it RPN?

0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer?
0201 … 4 computers?
0202 … 16 computers?

0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
0204 … a T1 line?

0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer?
0206 … Is it legal?

0207 Do you have core memory?
0208 … drum storage?
0209 … bubble memory?

0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
0211 … 256 megabytes?
0212 … 1 gigabyte?
0213 … 16 gigabytes?
0214 … 256 gigabytes?
0215 … 1 terabyte?

0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive?

0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
0218 … Is it unlabelled?

0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
0220 … 64 floppy disks?
0221 … 256 floppy disks?
0222 … 1024 floppy disks?

0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks?

0224 Do you have an internal stack?

0225 Do you have a clock interrupt?

0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_?
0227 … Have you done all the exercises?
0228 … Do you have a MIX simulator?
0229 … Can you name the unwritten volumes?

0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_?
0231 … Did you participate in the OS/360 project?

0232 Do you have a TTL handbook?

0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?

* Career

0234 Do you have a job?
0235 … Have you ever had a job?
0236 … Was it computer-related?

0237 Do you work irregular hours?

0238 Have you ever been a system administrator?

0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks?

0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power?

0241 Is your job secure?
0242 … Do you have code to prove it?

0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?

* Games

0244 Have you ever played Pong?

Have you ever played

0246 … Spacewar?
0247 … Star Trek?
0248 … Wumpus?
0249 … Lunar Lander?
0250 … Empire?

Have you ever beaten
0251 … Moria 4.8?
0252 … Rogue 3.6?
0253 … Rogue 5.3?
0254 … Larn?
0255 … Hack 1.0.3?
0256 … Nethack 2.4?

0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic?

0258 Have you ever solved Adventure?
0259 … Zork?

0260 Have you ever written any redcode?

0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
0262 … a real-time game?
0263 … a multi-player game?
0264 … a networked game?

0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?

* Hardware

0266 Have you ever used a light pen?
0267 … did you build it?

Have you ever used
0268 … a teletype?
0269 … a paper tape?
0270 … a decwriter?
0271 … a card reader/punch?
0272 … a SOL?

Have you ever built
0273 … an Altair?
0274 … a Heath/Zenith computer?

Do you know how to use
0275 … an oscilliscope?
0276 … a voltmeter?
0277 … a frequency counter?
0278 … a logic probe?
0279 … a wirewrap tool?
0280 … a soldering iron?
0281 … a logic analyzer?

0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
0283 … has it been fabricated?

0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?

* Historical

0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel?
0286 … from memory?

0287 Can you program an Eniac?

0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?

* IBM

0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is?

0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams?

0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are?

0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive?
0294 … off a card reader?

0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?

* Languages

0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
0297 … 8 languages?
0298 … 16 languages?
0299 … 32 languages?

0300 Have you ever designed a programming language?

0301 Do you know what Basic stands for?
0302 … Pascal?

0303 Can you program in Basic?
0304 … Do you admit it?

0305 Can you program in Cobol?
0306 … Do you deny it?

0307 Do you know Pascal?
0308 … Modula-2?
0309 … Oberon?
0310 … More that two Wirth languages?
0311 … Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke?

0312 Do you know Algol-60?
0313 … Algol-W?
0314 … Algol-68?
0315 … Do you understand the Algol-68 report?
0316 … Do you like two-level grammars?

0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines?
0318 … on 4 different machines?
0319 … on 8 different machines?

Do you know
0320 … APL?
0321 … Ada?
0322 … BCPL?
0323 … C++?
0324 … C?
0325 … Comal?
0326 … Eiffel?
0327 … Forth?
0328 … Fortran?
0329 … Hypertalk?
0330 … Icon?
0331 … Lisp?
0332 … Logo?
0333 … MIIS?
0334 … MUMPS?
0335 … PL/I?
0336 … Pilot?
0337 … Plato?
0338 … Prolog?
0339 … RPG?
0340 … Rexx (or ARexx)?
0341 … SETL?
0342 … Smalltalk?
0343 … Snobol?
0344 … VHDL?
0345 … any assembly language?

0346 Can you talk VT-100?
0347 … Postscript?
0348 … SMTP?
0349 … UUCP?
0350 … English?

* Micros

0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk?
0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme?

0353 Have you ever made a “flippy” disk?

0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk?

0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?

* Networking

0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once?

0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country?
0358 … For any country?

0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug?
0360 … Was it a security hole?

0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table?
0362 … Are you up to date?

0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses?

0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart?
0365 … Can you recite all the errors in it?

0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file?
0367 … Does it work?
0368 … Do you mumble “defocus” in your sleep?

0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?

* Operating systems

Can you use
0370 … BSD Unix?
0371 … non-BSD Unix?
0372 … AIX
0373 … VM/CMS?
0374 … VMS?
0375 … MVS?
0376 … VSE?
0377 … RSTS/E?
0378 … CP/M?
0379 … COS?
0380 … NOS?
0381 … CP-67?
0382 … RT-11?
0383 … MS-DOS?
0384 … Finder?
0385 … PRODOS?
0386 … more than one OS for the TRS-80?
0387 … Tops-10?
0388 … Tops-20?
0389 … OS-9?
0390 … OS/2?
0391 … AOS/VS?
0392 … Multics?
0393 … ITS?
0394 … Vulcan?

0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive?
0396 … Off a card reader/punch?
0397 … Off a teletype?
0398 … Off a networked (non-local) disk?

0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
0400 … Did you exploit it?
0401 … Did you report it?
0402 … Was your report ignored?

0403 Have you ever crashed a machine?
0404 … Intentionally?

* People

0405 Do you know any people?
0406 … more than one?
0407 … more than two?

* Personal

0408 Are your shoelaces untied?

0409 Do you interface well with strangers?

0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems
but unable to recite your own?

0411 Do you log in before breakfast?

0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?

0413 Do you answer either-or questions with “yes”?

0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual?
0415 … *every* operating system manual?

0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment?

0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?

0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects?

0419 Do you ignore mice?

0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key?

0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants?

0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?

0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards?
0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?

0425 Have you ever seen the dawn?
0426 … Twice in a row?

0427 Do you use “foobar” in daily conversation?
0428 … “bletch”?

0429 Do you use the “P convention”?

0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM?
0431 … Do you know what it means?

0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management?

0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office?

0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?

0435 Is your license plate computer-related?

0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test?

0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience?

0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer?

0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?

* Programming

0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
0441 … In TECO?

0442 Can you read a machine dump?

0443 Can you disassemble code in your head?

Have you ever written
0444 … a compiler?
0445 … an operating system?
0446 … a device driver?
0447 … a text processor?
0448 … a display hack?
0449 … a database system?
0450 … an expert system?
0451 … an edge detector?
0452 … a real-time control system?
0453 … an accounting package?
0454 … a virus?
0455 … a prophylactic?

0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program?
0457 … Did you sell the output?
0458 … Was the output arbitrarily invented?

0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
0460 … the number e?

0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits?

0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code?
0463 … Are you proud of it?

0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
0465 … Was it longer than 20 lines?
0466 … 100 lines?
0467 … Was it in assembly language?
0468 … Did it work the second time?

0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively?
0470 … Non-recursively?
0471 … Using the Troff text formatter?

0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest?
0473 … Did it win?
0474 … Did your entry inspire a new rule?

0475 Do you know Duff’s device?

0476 Do you know Jensen’s device?

0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error?
0478 … More than an hour?
0479 … More than a day?
0480 … More than a week?
0481 … Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?

* Unix

0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix?

0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual?

0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation?

0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system?

0487 Have you ever built Minix?

0488 Can you answer “quiz function ed-command” correctly?
0489 … How about “quiz ed-command function”?

* Usenet

0490 Do you read news?
0491 … More than 32 newsgroups?
0492 … More than 256 newsgroups?
0493 … All the newsgroups?

0494 Have you ever posted an article?
0495 … Do you post regularly?

0496 Have you ever posted a flame?
0497 … Ever flame a cross-posting?
0498 … Ever flame a flame?
0499 … Do you flame regularly?

0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup?

0501 Ever forge a posting?
0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
0503 … Does it still exist?

0504 Do you remember
0505 … mod.ber?
0506 … the Stupid People’s Court?
0507 … Bandy-grams?

* Phreaking

0508 Have you ever built a black box?

0509 Can you name all of the ‘colors’ of boxes?
0510 … and their associated functions?

0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?

0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you?

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. Just remember, these people are now out there, somewhere…

“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”

“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”

“For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”

“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
A beer won’t expect you to cook dinner when you’re not hungry.
A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
A beer doesn’t care if you go shopping.
A beer doesn’t mind when your mother visits.
A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
Having a beer can’t make you pregnant.
A beer won’t tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn’t love it more than you.
A beer doesn’t want to go out alone with the other beers.
A beer doesn’t sulk.
A beer wouldn’t waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
A beer won’t switch the TV channel.
A beer doesn’t have to sleep with the windows open.
A beer doesn’t snore.
A beer can’t interrupt.
A beer doesn’t care that you can’t find your car’s carburetor.
A beer doesn’t think black leather bikinis are neat.
A beer doesn’t belch. Or fart.
A beer doesn’t mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
A beer doesn’t care that you don’t balance your checkbook.
A good beer is easy to find.
A beer can’t pout.
A beer doesn’t have a mother.
A beer doesn’t have friends who will drink your beer.
A beer wouldn’t yell if you dented the car.
A beer won’t get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
A beer won’t care if you gain five pounds.
A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
A beer doesn’t want children.
A beer doesn’t think poetry is queer.
A beer isn’t ready until you’re ready.
If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
Hangovers go away.
A beer tastes good.
Having a beer doesn’t make you want to take a shower.
A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
A beer’s life does not revolve around the football.
A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
A beer never needs a shave.
You don’t have to let a beer win.
A beer doesn’t care what toppings you get on the pizza.
Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn’t mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
A beer doesn’t have morning breath.
A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
A beer will never drink the last beer.
A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you’ve read it.
When a beer is finished, it doesn’t roll over and go to sleep.
A beer wouldn’t mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
A beer is never temperamental.
A beer will never complain about your cooking.
A cold beer is a good beer.
A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
A big, fat beer is nice to have.
A beer won’t steal the covers.
You don’t have to laugh at a beer’s jokes.
A beer won’t mind at all if you’re not in the mood for beer.

It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another report was long overdue. Here’s the latest report:

Identifying Your Needs
———————-
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first and most important step in selecting a girlfriend.

The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the usual flashy accessories — large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc. However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.

Determine Your Budget
———————
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.

Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
————–
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking,
be determined by your age:

Your age Used or New
——– ———–
13-18 years New
19-30 years Lightly used
31-45 years Extensively used
45+ New***

***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, “Divorced, with kids.”

New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open a checking account.

Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage (2.1 SO’s/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a
professional.

CR’s Methodology
—————–
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male population. All tests were performed at CU’s specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
——–
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Category Comments
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Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
with all of the options you want and none of the ones you
don’t. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even if you don’t say it, and break a bed with her
enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is
that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband,
a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty
kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than
that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is
extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing
your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor
to fair depending on quality.

Yeah, Her The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but
useful only in a pinch, if no others are available.
Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!

A little old lady walked into the head office of Chase Manhattan Bank, struggling to carry a large paper bag in her hands. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to approximately $3 million, he telephoned the bank president’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the little old lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she likes to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large sum of money, “Was it an inheritance?” he asked. “No” she answered. “Was it from playing the stock market?” he inquired. “No” she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million. “I bet,” she stated. “You bet?” repeated the bank president. “Yes, I bet people!” She exclaimed.

Seeing the confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden, she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10 am tomorrow your balls will be square.” The bank president, somewhat shocked at her statement, figured she must be off her rocker. After some deep thought he decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose such a preposterous wager.

For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was *a-okay*. There was no difference..they looked the same as they always had. Assured that alls well, he went to work, with visions of his own personal bank account blessed with a $25,000 deposit.

He got to his office, went to the executive mens room, where a quick check proved them to be normal. Smiling, he waited for the little old lady to arrive at 10 o’clock, he knew that this was to be a good day.

At 10 am sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a young man. When he inquired as to the young man’s purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer. “I always take him along when there is this much money involved.” “Well” she asked, what about our bet?” Smiling, the bank president replied. “I don’t know how to tell you this but I am the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer.” The little old lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.

The bank president thought this was a reasonable request and blushingly removed his trousers. She then instructed him to bend over, and promptly grabbed hold of the object of the bet. Sure enough, everything was fine and normal. Breathing a sigh of relief the bank president pulled up his trousers.

Looking up he saw her lawyer standing across the room, banging his head against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he inquired. “Oh him,” she replied, “I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o’clock this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank “right by the balls.”

Another collection of really really bad jokes!

Q: What’s the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress can’t make death any worse than it is.

Q: What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats?
A: Sooner or later, every asshole has one!

Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

Q: Hear about the new television show about yuppies in Alaska?
A: It’s called “WD-30something”

Q: How can you tell if a kid is a loser?
A: The kid is kidnapped, and they put his picture on a MILK DUDS carton.

Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.

Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don’t listen.

Q: What’s the difference between the Panama canal and Miss America?
A: The Panama canal is a busy ditch.

Q: Why don’t U.S. senators ever use bookmarks?
A: They like their pages bent.

Q: What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
A: They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!